A Losing Battle

My Favorite Winter Treat

2012-01-17T08:39:00.001-07:00

We have been having the driest winter on record here in Salt Lake City. Hardly any snow at all. Yesterday we finally got a couple of inches of the white stuff and it's put me back in winter mode...unfortunately.

It's no secret that I really dislike winter, and January in particular. This dry weather has been a blessing for me. We've had sun and blue skies and it's been cold, but not bitterly so. I've actually been able to delude myself into thinking that it wasn't really winter after all. Well, that is over, for now at least.

So I am consoling myself, as I have a habit of doing, with chocolate. Only this is a guilt free treat!

Hot Cocoa! Who doesn't love a cup of steaming, creamy, chocolatey goodness? But it has so much sugar in it that I usually get a headache. That hardly fits in with my no-whites lifestyle so I found that this is my solution.

Low-Glycemic Hot Cocoa

1 teaspoon unsweetened cocoa powder (or a little more, depending on how dark you like your cocoa)
1 Tablespoon light agave nectar

Stir together in a mug and add a little water just to make a syrup-like consistency.

Fill mug to the top with skim milk and mix well. Microwave for 1 1/2 minutes or until desired temperature. Enjoy!

Have a great week and stay warm!
~Emily

The Early Bird

2012-01-09T11:58:00.002-07:00

This last week has been a bit of a challenge. I've had a lovely head cold (still not quite gone) and I also lost my Great Aunt. She was never married or had children of her own so we were her grandchildren and she was just like a grandmother to me. She was 89 years old and lived a very beautiful life. She is sorely missed but not mourned for. I know she is very happy where she is.

With all of that going on it was a bit of a challenge to maintain healthy choices, though I did manage to do fairly well, all things considered.

One of the things that was hardest was getting my daily exercise in. It's cold here in Salt Lake so I've been playing the Wii Fit but mornings were hard. You know how they go when you have a head cold. It took a while to get moving each day. The problem was that if I waited until later everything got so busy that I just wouldn't do it. I still managed to exercise five days out of the week but it was a struggle and when I finally did get around to it, I didn't really give it my all.

This morning I got up and did my exercise first thing. Wow! What a difference! I feel so energized and mentally awake. I'm sure the continued healing time has helped but there really is a difference when you start out your day with exercise.

What do you do for exercise when it's cold outside? How do you get your heart pumping and your energy up? I'd love to hear your suggestions.

-Emily

Change WRITE now!

2011-12-31T10:07:00.005-07:00

I'm participating in a challenge with a lot of other writers who are working toward getting healthier. By very definition a writer is someone who does a lot of sitting and a lot of thinking. That can be a beautiful thing as words get churned out and plot twists get constructed. But it can be a bad thing for the body that is often a neglected appendage of the mind instead of a strong partner.

The great thing about this challenge is that it isn't necessarily a weight loss challenge. It focuses on increasing good behaviors and decreasing bad ones. Everyone sets their own eating plan and chooses a bad habit to eliminate and a good habit to gain. In addition we all work on getting enough sleep, drinking enough water and exercising at least 20 minutes a day. Very doable.

My team and I are getting acquainted and we have a great group. Our team competes with other teams by earning points for each of the above mentioned areas. Great idea, huh?

So, we need some suggestions for a name for our team. We'd love it if it had something to do with writing but not necessary. If you have any ideas, leave them here.

~Emily

The Snacking Solution

2011-12-30T11:44:00.004-07:00

One of the hardest things for me is keeping healthy snacks available for my kids. I want them to eat small amounts regularly instead of three large meals. We all know that is the best way for all of us. But with my children being home schooled, that is a lot of work. With a writing career (or at least the desire for one), keeping the books for the shop, working with Knights of Freedom and all of the many tasks that go into being a mother - cooking three meals a day is hard enough, let alone six.

So I am trying a solution that I've learned about from my good friend Brandi. She prepares snack strays for her family and fills them with healthy foods that they are welcome to munch on whenever they feel hungry. This is a great solution to kids constantly asking if they can have this or that food, too. Want a snack? You can have what is on the tray and ONLY what is on the tray. When it's gone, it's gone. In the meantime...enjoy!

There is a freedom about this experience that will help teach all of us, parents and kids alike, to eat until no longer hungry instead of eating until the plate is clean or mom says you're done.

I talked to Adventure Boy about this play yesterday (he's one of the biggest snacking culprits) and we planned certain things to go on the tray for the week. When we got home from the grocery store he was so excited about it that he put yesterdays together mostly himself. It was awesome to see how all the vegetables were just gone!

Here is today's tray. I decided to try a morning and afternoon tray (smaller amounts each time) to cut down on the afternoon starvation. I'd like to eventually get to a point where it's not as new to my children and they begin to space out the snacking on their own.
It contains apple slices (tossed in a little lemon to keep them fresh), yellow bell pepper, cucumbers, mini carrots, cubes of cheese and a nut/raisin mix. Obviously I keep the cheese and nuts in a smaller quantity. Yesterday we had grapes, carrots, nuts, seeds, sugar snap peas and tangerines.

So now a question for you. What are your healthy snacks that your family enjoys? How do you keep snacking from turning to binging? Keep me your best pointers. I can use all the help I can get!

~Emily

Sugar Free Emily

2011-12-29T12:42:00.002-07:00

This is not something new. This is my third round with going off all sugar/refined flours. The last two times I've lasted around 4 months each and then I get busy and I start eating prepackaged food or fast food because I'm just so slammed (usually around the time of Knights of Freedom Summit) and then it trickles back in bit by bit until, next thing I know, I'm living on fudge and ginger ale again. Ok, that may be a bit of an exaggeration but you get the idea.

BUT...when I am eating cleanly I FEEL AMAZING! I have energy. I'm not moody. I don't get headaches. My skin and my mind are clear. And here is the big kicker that may be a bit controversial - I feel the Spirit more.

That is a sure sign to me that treating my body well strengthens my spirit. When I take care of my body I feel closer to my Heavenly Father and my heart is more open to His love. That is something that I think we all need.

My children deserve THAT mom. The spiritual, happy, vivacious mom that comes about naturally when I remove that poison from my life.

So today is day 2. I'm shooting for 100 straight days. I've done it before, I know I can do it again. When I get to 100 I'll set the next goal.

In addition to getting off sugar, we are all working on the exercise thing. It's been so unseasonably warm here (almost 50 degrees today) that we have been able to be outside more. We are also playing the Wii Fit more and just all around getting active. Some of my children are jumping into it with both feet but others...well, they're struggling. I understand only too well how hard changes like this can be so bit by bit we'll get there.

Thanks to my great friends and family who are so wonderfully supportive. You mean the world to me!
~Emily

Healthy, Wealthy and Wise

2011-12-28T10:15:00.001-07:00

Just like the saying goes, I have a great desire to be improving in the areas of health, finance and wisdom. So, to that end I'm working on crafting my goals for the new year.

Many people hate New Year's resolutions. They see them as grandiose wishes with little real intent behind them. One more determination to lose 50 pounds or never eat chocolate again. We all know how most of those goals turn out.

My view is a little different. First, yes many of those goals will not be achieved but without setting a goal, nothing can ever be achieved. Many of them WILL come to pass. So I'm not only for New Year's resolutions but resolutions of any kind at any time of the year. Second, intent and purpose are everything when setting a goal. Looking at your reasons WHY can make a huge difference in whether or not that goal will be achieved. If you want to lose weight to fit into the perfect dress to impress someone, or to prove something to someone else that is unlikely to carry the strength to truly change your heart. And, as we all know, that is where true change occurs.

So as I am forming my plans for the new year and the new me I want to be, I am considering my deepest desires - my faith, my family, my dearest dreams for the future. It is my hope that I will be able to live with greater purpose in the coming year.

So what are your thoughts on New Year's Resolutions? Love them? Hate them? Fear them? Please share!

~Emily

New challenge coming soon!

2011-12-27T08:53:00.001-07:00

My family is recovering from a fun-filled and sugar- laden holiday. But we are getting ready for some big changes in our lifestyle. It's not just me who is dealing with food and weight issues but two of sweet children, too. It's come to a point where I can no longer hide my head in the sand. My youngest son particularly needs serious change and so we are all going for it.

It's overwhelming to realize just how much all my weeknesses have hurt my children but I have to face it. I have a lit that I need to overcome so that my loved ones can have a chance.

So, with that in mind, there will be a new challenge coming up for us. Details to follow.

So, what do you and your family do to encourage healthy children? I'd love to hear your ideas!

-Emily

Yesterday

2011-11-01T20:32:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was awful. Yesterday I didn't get any sleep, I had a so-so meeting with my support group. I think the problem was all me and my stress level. I worried and worried and worried about money until I wanted to throw up. Then, to make myself "feel better" I ate a bunch of candy.

Yeah, that didn't really work. Instead I felt sicker and on top of that I felt horribly sad.

Today hasn't been much of an improvement. This is hard. It sucks. No way around that fact. The only good thing is that I recognize what I'm doing. I'm being honest about it. I have to hope that it is enough to at least begin on.

Hoping for more strength and comfort tomorrow.
Emily

The Will Power Myth

2011-10-30T17:04:00.002-06:00

"I've always wanted to lose weight (or spend less money, get out of debt, learn to play an instrument, etc) but I lack the will power."

I've heard similar statements and said them myself time and again and I've come to realize just what a lie that statement is. Not that we intend to deceive others when we say it, but we are deceiving ourselves.

A statement about a lack of will power really boils down to two things. Either that thing really isn't important to us, or we lack faith.

That sounds harsh but I know it's true about me. I've wanted to lose weight and be fit and healthy for the past 25 years and no one could convince me that it wasn't important to me. Are you kidding? I think about it every hour of every day. Of COURSE it's important!

Is it more important to me than the things that I would have to give up in order to make it happen? That's the question I have to ask myself first. When the answer is yes and I'm still failing then I have to ask the next question. Do I really, truly believe that the Savior can heal this in me?

That is a hard question to answer honestly because I tend to answer it like this. "Of course I have faith in Him. But..."

There it is. That "but" that creeps in and qualifies my statement. It's usually followed by a comment about how weak I am. Guess what? That's still about my faith.

There is no "but" about my Savior's abilities. I have the choice to turn to Him and as soon as I do He will always heal me. The problem lies in the fact that I often give Him my trust only to revoke it again. Back and forth. "I trust you. Nevermind, I don't. Oh, wait, I trust you again."

This process of overcoming addiction is about learning to keep my trust in Him. To stop trying to fix myself, diet myself, exercise myself, change myself and heal myself. It's not about will power. It's about surrendering my will to Jesus Christ and allowing Him to carry my burdens.

Step One KEY PRINCIPLE: Admit that you, of yourself, are
powerless to overcome your addictions and that
your life has become unmanageable.

I know a lot of people that really hate that comment. I love it! It is so freeing! You mean that the reason that I can't heal myself is that I'm not supposed to be able to? Of course, that makes so much sense to me. I am so grateful to be learning these principles a bit at a time and turning my will over to Him who is mighty to save.

Once again my favorite scripture in Phillipians.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Phillipians 4:13

On my own I am nothing. With Christ I am everything. Now that is power!
~Emily

The Little Things

2011-10-24T14:18:00.002-06:00

One thing that I know I need to focus on is the little successes that I experience day to day. Old me always focused on the good in other people and the bad in myself. So today here are some of my successes.

- I ran out of time to straighten AND workout before my WARP meeting at my house so I turned up the music and did some aerobic cleaning, killing two birds with one stone.

- At the grocery store I hurried to walk the cart back to the corral before my son could do it. Pathetic maybe, but a small triumph nonetheless.

- I've been consistently choosing the better food options today as well as avoiding meaningless snacking.

- I'm going to a movie tonight with a friend and we are eating at home beforehand instead of getting food there. I'll also not be ordering popcorn. Hard, but doing it anyway.

"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." - Alma 37:6

I'm losing it!
~Emily

WARP Study - Week 1

2011-10-24T08:44:00.003-06:00

This is our first WARP meeting (Women's Addiction Recovery Program) at my home and we will be discussing the introduction from the LDS Addiction Recovery booklet as well as the preface and intro to He Did Deliver Me From Bondage by Colleen C. Harrison. If you are participating please comment here with your insights, struggles, questions or comments.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Phillipians 4:13

-Emily

My name is Emily and I'm an addict

2011-10-24T08:24:00.002-06:00

Facing the fact that I have a food addiction is a scary, humiliating thing. I've faced this fact before but then resumed my state of denial. Now I'm coming head to head and toe to toe with the fact that I live the life of an addict.

Some of the symptoms of addiction are secrecy, shame, out of control behaviors and an inability to stop when I logically know I need to. I fit that description perfectly.

The great news is that I know where to turn! My church has an addiction recovery program that you can download the materials for for free. Just click on this link for a PDF of the manual. Or you can order a hard copy here.

I also discovered an amazing book called HE DID DELIVER ME FROM BONDAGE by Colleen C. Harrison. This book is a study guide that also uses the 12 steps in conjunction with the Book of Mormon. It was the foundational work for the new 12 step program I mentioned above.

I am using these materials to study and focus on overcoming my addiction. I love this quote from Ezra Taft Benson.

"The world works from the outside in but Christ works from the inside out. The world would take the people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of the people and then they take themselves out of the slums."

What a great vision that provides me.

Here's another one.

"When we put Christ first in our lives then all other things will fall into place, or fall out of our lives altoghether." - also Ezra Taft Benson.

I can think of about 140 things that I'd like to have fall out of my life altogether. I need that inside out change that allows those pounds to just fall out of my life.

Toward that end I have started a support group that will be meeting at my home every Monday morning. We are going to embark on this journey together. I am going to name it the Women's Addiction Recovery Program (WARP - isn't that an excellent acronym?) and we will be there to help and uplift and share our insights with each other.

If you feel called to participate we would love to have you join. Drop me a comment and I'll add you to our email list. Also, make sure to comment on this blog with your successes, challenges and insights. One thing I know for sure. We are not alone in our trials. God is always with us. We can also be there for each other and that makes the burdens so much lighter.
With love,
Emily

All about the Vision

2011-10-21T08:06:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I wrote about the vision that I had of what life will be like living as a healthy, fit person. After I wrote I spent some time reading through old posts. Back in 2008-09 I lost 40 pounds and felt unconquerable for months. Re-reading those posts brought such a great sense of "I can do this." As I continued to read into the parts about how I started falling apart I came to this post that emphasizes what I was saying about vision.

It really is all about my vision of the future. Without that vision I don't know what choice is right or wrong at any given moment. We've all heard the saying that if you don't know where you're going it doesn't matter what road you take.

I am scared to death to recommit to this losing battle but I am choosing to do it anyway. As I type this I know this is one of those defining moments. (...insert five minute pause...) Okay. Here I go.

I choose to reengage and fight the fight. I choose to be a healthier, happier, more fit and in control person. I choose to take care of myself and to make the choices that make me stronger.

I choose to follow that vision and make it mine. As always, my strength comes through my Savior Jesus Christ. As I make the right choices He strengthens me to see them through. I trust in Him and I will allow Him to work in me and change me from the inside out so that I will be able to look around me one day and find that I am actually living that life that I dreamed about.

Friends, I am back.
I'm losing it.
~Emily

One step at a time

2011-10-20T20:00:00.001-06:00

When my 12 year old was 1, I started doing yoga. It was extremely challenging but rewarding. I didn't really lose weight but I gained a great deal of strength and my core tightened up like crazy. I lost three dress sizes and felt like I had a waist for the first time in about five years.

Since then I've tried yoga here and there. Sometimes for weeks, sometimes once a month. It was about two years ago that I stopped altogether.

Today I tried it again and was surprised by two things.
1st - I am really, I mean REALLY out of shape. I could hardly do any of it.
2nd - I still really like it and I still remember a fair amount.

So, my yoga workout was enlightening but not a great workout since I actually couldn't even do most of it but I did some and that is a step. After that amusing experience I did some dance aerobics to finish out my workout. I feel pretty great.

I'm feeling encouraged. By taking little steps like these I am working toward that goal statement that I wrote. Each step I take toward that reality gives me an added measure of strength for the next challenge I face.

~Emily

Focusing on the Destination

2011-10-20T13:48:00.003-06:00

My last post was about weighing in. I planned to do it that night. I did, in fact, step on the scale but to my horror my weight wouldn't register. That's because my scale doesn't go over 299 lbs.

Ugh.

Now I am face to face with the fact that all that weight I lost is really back. All of it. I don't even know if it's more than that. For all I know I could be over the point that I started at in 2008 - 312lbs. I haven't weighed myself anywhere else.

And I don't plan to.

You know why? Because it doesn't matter where I'm starting from, only where I'm going. All my life I've focused on the problem. I'm too fat. I need to lose weight. I'm probably going to end up with diabetes. No one else in my family understands this struggle. I'm the fattest one in the room. My feet hurt. My back hurts. My legs hurt. Blah, blah, blah. Yep, the problem.

I'm making the decision to focus on the destination instead. I remember doing that before and, you know what? I worked! It wasn't until I started focusing on the problem again that I got discouraged and sabotaged myself.

Okay, so, the destination. What does that look like?

For me it looks like this:

I feel beautiful, confident and comfortable in my body. I sleep well and wake with great energy. I play joyfully with my children and work hard all the while feeling vibrant and alive. My body works beautifully and I love being able to wear the styles that I enjoy the most. I feel sexy and fit. I love to run and dance. I am thriving as I make great choices about nutrition and live an active lifestyle. I climb mountains and ride bikes with my husband and children. I know that I am caring for this body that Heavenly Father gave me in a manner that is pleasing to Him.

That is my destination and just writing it makes me feel oh-so-wonderful!

What is your destination? I'd love to hear from you.
~Emily

The dreaded weigh in

2011-10-12T09:00:00.000-06:00

I haven't weighed myself in ...um...well...

I have no idea how long. Maybe six months?

In order to know what I'm facing I'm thinking I need to actually know where I am. All that beautiful forty pounds lost, fifty pounds lost...yep. It's all gone. I've gained it all back, I'm sure.

I need moral support for this scary moment.

Deep breaths.
~Emily

Teaching our Family about Health

2011-10-11T08:49:00.008-06:00

Last night we spent Family Home Evening (our dedicated evening to spend as a family each week) talking about being a healthy family. I spent a few hours putting this one together - way longer than I usually spend preparing for a FHE, but it was worth it!

We talked about how special our bodies are and how we should be treating them. We learned about calories and nutrients and what needs our individual bodies have. Our teenage son should have the highest caloric intake in the family down to our 3yo daughter with the lowest. It was revolutionary to some of my children that they all don't need (or get) to eat the same amount as each other. What a breakthrough.

Next we talked about Red Light Foods (high calories, low nutrients) and Green Light Foods (low calories, high nutrients). I had a few dozen pictures of different foods that everyone got to help decide if they should go in the envelope with the red light or the one with the green light. The kids were surprised by what was in the red light foods. Things like fruit snacks and ranch dressing.

We played a great game where we divided into the Red Light Team and the Green Light Team. When I yelled "go" each time had to race to find a food item for either breakfast, lunch, dinner or a snack (four different rounds). A great example was lunch. The Green Light Team found whole wheat bread. The Red Light Team brought back Kraft Macaroni and Cheese mix. Yep, they got it.

After that we talked about portion sizes and used some household items to illustrate what a constitutes a serving of various foods. I found this great chart that uses easily identifiable pictures to teach the kids about this concept.

Our last discussion was on exercise. I prepared a chart that showed a number of different activities that our children can participate easily in to get their minimum of 20 minutes per day of exercise (baby steps).

As we completed each section we added the visual aid to our poster which is now hanging next to our pantry.

The kids were excited this morning to run to the Green Light envelope and pick out foods for breakfast. I hadn't expected that use. I guess I'll need to add a lot more pictures to the envelope. Otherwise we'll be eating oatmeal every day.

This discussion was a ton of fun - probably one of our most memorable FHE's to date. And I have great hopes that as we focus on healthy habits as a family we will all be happier and healthier together.

(here's our finished poster)

If you would like a printable size of any of these pictures please email me and I'd be happy to send them to you.

~Emily

What Forces You to Wake Up?

2011-10-10T23:50:00.002-06:00

When was my last post? So long ago I almost forgot this blog even existed. I just spent a while reading my last few posts and it made me want to cry. Where is that happy girl?

Today I got the horrifying news that my dear, dear friend is dying from cirrhosis from the liver. It was caused by alcohol. Now she will be leaving behind four children who will have to spend the rest of their lives without a mother because of her choices. I'm heartbroken to be losing a friend, that she is going through this long, painful process of dying, and for her children and family left behind. I'm angry at her for screwing things up so badly.

And then I ask myself - who am I to be judging?

I may not drink or smoke or do drugs but I am a food addict and I am totally sedentary. I have beautiful children, a wonderful, loving husband and I have a mission to fulfill in this life. If I don't change I am going to end up with diabetes, heart disease and a host of other obesity related illnesses that will stop me from being a mom, a wife, a writer and a mentor.

When Larry H. Miller died of diabetes I couldn't help thinking what a horrible waste. Here is was a multi-millionaire with power to do a lot of good in this world and he died of a fully preventable disease. Type 2 diabetes can be managed and even cured by change in lifestyle. Yet I am on that path. That is terrifying.

I want to get back to that happy girl that posted about how wonderful she felt all the time. I owe it to my children who are following in my unhealthy footsteps. I owe it to my husband who loves me unconditionally but deserves so much better. Mostly, I owe it to myself.

Wake up, Em!

A happy day!

2010-06-17T09:50:00.002-06:00

Even though I was coughing myself into insensibility last night at bedtime (a leftover present from the bronchitis that will probably take at least another week to completely disappear) I still slept well and woke feeling great and energized and excited for the day.

Yesterday I faced a couple of challenges. DH and I ran errands all day and that meant being stuck in the car. I found myself falling into old snacking habits. I had brought some healthy-ish snacks (Kashi granola bars which I LOVE, and sweet potato chips and water) and I had to really hold myself back from constant grazing. It's not really that I did poorly but that I was mentally fighting it which I haven't had to do for a while. Still, I did fight it. I had a granola bar and a few chips and called it good but the cravings continued all day. I also had a headache and I caved and had a diet coke for the caffeine. I've not had a caffeinated beverage for almost a month as I HATE what it does to my moods but it did help the headache. I'm sure that added to the cravings, though, too. In the evening I faced a family meal of pizza. I had a piece and was about to grab two more and just go to town but I stopped myself and made a turkey sandwich on wheat with tons of veggies and grabbed a huge glass of water. All in all I handled the challenges well and I feel really great about the way things turned out.

For some reason, even though I didn't really eat poorly (I was well within my usual calorie range) I still expected to see an increase on the scale because I just felt like the old me in some ways yesterday. Instead I got on the scale and saw 298.5. I didn't expect to see the 280's until next week so I'm thrilled! I may go up a bit before settling into that weight more solidly but that's okay.

Something that is so significant to anyone who has faced weight struggles, diet battles, etc. is that I do not feel like I am on a diet. I don't feel deprived. I don't feel scared of failure. I don't feel frustrated, hungry or left out. I keep saying in all my posts that I feel good, I feel great. I repeat it so often because it's still such a new thing for me to feel good about my life every day. I feel like I am truly taking care of myself. Not perfectly but so what! I am the kind of person (now) who cares for myself. That is a new thing to me and I just am feeling invigorated by that fact.

For my whole life I thought that losing weight had to be a painful process. "It's the hardest thing you'll ever do." I've heard that more than once. I watch Biggest Loser and get inspired by the successes but at the same time the pain and sweat and crying and screaming all make it seem like losing weight has to be DRAMA and AGONIZING! I am here to say that it's not true. Losing weight can be peaceful and joyful and exciting. You truly can enjoy the journey.

Thanks for all of your support and prayers. I am thinking and praying for all of you, too! Best of luck!
Em

20 lbs down and a DIATRIBE!

2010-06-15T15:58:00.004-06:00

Yay! Today I saw 291 on the scale for the second day in a row which means that I'm probably going to go up a pound or two but then take a dip below the 290 mark next week sometime (just guessing). It also means that I'm down 21 pounds from my highest weight...again. I'm very pleased with that 5 lb loss in a month. It is a nice steady pace that feels comfortable and healthy and just plain great!

I remember when I used to think that if I didn't lose 5-10 lbs in a week then I was heartbroken and thought "what's the point!" with despair. That was because I was so unhappy living the diet lifestyle that it was going to have to pay HUGE dividends to make it worth it to me. I feel so different now. I feel like I am living the lifestyle that makes me happy and feel great and that the weight loss is just a wonderful bonus/side effect but even without it I would continue to live this way because it just plain feels great! Hey, did I mention that it feels great! LOL.

Last week while being sick (btw, it turned into bronchitis - ugh!) I found myself trying to sooth my self pity with chocolate. I dont have full-sugar chocolate in my house any more but I keep some bitterweet and unsweetened chocolate for baking. I snacked on some of that bittersweet chocolate (which tasted absolutely sickeningly sweet after no sugar for so long) and realized once again that as much as I am addicted to chocolate, I HATE the way it makes me feel. Sure there is that initial euphoria but it's quickly followed by heartburn and a sour stomach as well as a feeling of aggravation and irritability. I've felt that irritation for so long that I've thought it was just a personality flaw that I had to strive constantly to keep in check. After over a month with no chocolate, low and behold I discover that it's actually linked more than anything to the sugar and, more specifically, the chocolate in my diet. It makes me think of our nation full of drugged children who are out of control with agression, attention deficit and hyperactivity. They are all eating cold cereal for breakfast (or on the "good" mornings we give them sugared oatmeal or white flour pancakes with gobs of syrup), stuffed to the gills with sugar and artificial food coloring and then we drug them. Of course they are acting up. They are children and are completely unable to control the reacion that their poor little bodies are having to the crap in their diet. Why should they be able to control it? We adults can't so how could they? It's taken me til 35 to see this in my own life. I don't really blame others I just have had an awakening and wish I could share it with the world. People, you really can do this! It's not as hard as you think it will be! You'll feel fabulous! Just try it! Bring your families along! Sigh, I don't know if anyone can hear me past the sugar buzz. I couldn't hear the message for most of my life, either.

Once again, after that little forray into the chocolate/sugar nightmare, I have reaffirmed my committment to myself to treat myself like the precious child of God that I am and to care for myself, body and soul. It feels so good. I feel so good. It's so worth it.
(did I mention that it feels good?)
Em

The Four day Flop

2010-06-10T12:38:00.003-06:00

Okay, so the first four days of my 21 day challenge have been a total flop. I woke up Monday morning with a cold coming on and by the evening I was laid out and feeling like crap. I have a horrible cough that is totally draining my will to live. Okay, maybe it's not that bad but it's enough that I have not exercised a stitch so far. So my 21 day challenge is on a bit of a hold until I have a greater capacity to draw air into my lungs. Oxygen is a must to may way of thinking.

All's well. I'm good with holding off a few days. I'm still excited to get going and I'm ready to try walking again. The fasciitis in my feet has been steadily improving and I'm going to give it a whirl, start out small and see how the footsies do. Walking is definitely my favorite form of exercise and I've really missed it these last couple of months. I love getting out into the fresh air and taking a tour of the neighborhood, spying on others landscaping projects and just feeling the outside-ed-ness of it all. It takes no special training, no special gear, no great amounts of preparation. I put on some tunes or a good audio book and I'm in business. Depending on how my night goes I may try tomorrow morning. That'll give me another day to recuperate and try to get the cough under control and then I'll be on my way.

The great thing about all of this is that I'm not in a panic. For someone who doesn't struggle with food addiction and weight issues they probably dont understand that issue with feeling like if you've missed a day of being "on plan" then you must be a permanent failure. It doesn't make a bit of sense but it's been my default thought program for so long that it creeps in all the time. I'm good with it right now, though. I know that I'm sick and I need to heal so it'll be fine. I'm eating really clean, feeling in control. I've lost another pound and a half for a respectable total of 4 pounds in the last three weeks. I'm loving it.

How are you doing on your 21 day challenge? Have you picked a challenge? Started? Won a battle? Faced a roadblock? Let me know how you are doing.

BTW - I LOVE this picture. I just stole it from google but it makes me giggle!
Em

The 21 day challenge

2010-06-06T08:26:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was my 21st day without refined sugars and flours. I wasn't perfect. There were times when I just had to do the best that I could with what was available and I did lose a battle to some toasted marshmallows while camping this week. Still, 95% or more of my diet has been whole foods. My short term goal was 21 days, you know that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. It's actually true!

I've noticed that without the sugar the rest of my eating has been falling into place. I've noticed a dramatic drop in the urge to snack and my portion sizes have significantly decreased. In fact, my constant preoccupation with food in general has just kind of fizzled out. I've also naturally begun to seek out tons more fruits and veggies and have all but eliminated meat from my diet. It's so baffling to me that I am doing this so happily and comfortably. I'm really enjoying this journey.

I still need to get regular exercise of a higher intensity into my life. That is my next three week challenge. It is my goal to exercise six days a week for a minimum of twenty minutes for the next three weeks. Every day but Sunday. That will be 18 workouts in 21 days. Again the goal is to create a new habit. Of course I am joyfully continuing my relationship with whole foods as well.

So, who will join me? What 21 day challenge will you create for yourself? Post it in the comments section then link to this post on your blog and we'll all support each other in making true and lasting change in our lives, one habit at a time.

Baby Steps

2010-06-01T16:44:00.002-06:00

I have been 17 days with no sugar and (virtually) no white flour. There have been a very few exceptions to the flour thing but it's been less than minimal. So how do I feel? I feel in control. It's interesting to me that for years I've struggled with this idea of food addiction never realizing that sugar addiction was at the heart of it. I'm learning a bunch of recipes but find that I need to keep myself away from focusing too much on food, even healthy food, so I'm going to lay off at least for the rest of today. Some of the things I've made for the first time this week:
-whole wheat saltines
-whole wheat pasta
-a new bread recipe

I've also discovered a new found love of eggs. I've been eating eggs every day. I just bought some Egglands Best organic eggs (PRICEY!) to try as well.

Last but most definitely not least: I signed up for Bountiful Baskets, a local produce co-op. They have locations in a number of southwestern states. Check them out at www.bountifulbaskets.org. I get to pick up my first order on Saturday. You get a laundry basket full of fruit and a laundry basket full of veggies for $15 ($25 for organic). Yummy!

The only thing I'm struggling on is exercise. So I'm getting off the computer and on the exercise bike right now!
Em

Feeling FAB!

2010-05-28T12:58:00.003-06:00

Today I am down 2.5 pounds. YAY ME! I can't explain how I suddenly changed from feeling defeated even when I was losing to feeling just great, in control, on top of things and just plain empowered. My guess is that it's all about the sugar. I've gone off sugar. It wasn't something that I ever thought I could do and I haven't been completely perfect because there are times when you don't have as much control over what you eat as you would like to but at least 90% I'm off white flour and all refined sugar. I still have 100% maple syrup, honey, sucanat and fruit but no refined sugars. I thought it would be HARD but I was amazed that the first week went by without me really noticing and now I'm at 12 days and I actually cant even remember a single hard time. I'm sure they were there but not significant enough to remember.

Last night I went to my AMAZING book group (I love you ladies!) and we have a potluck meal every month. It's true potluck so you never know what kind of food combinations you're going to get but there are enough of us healthy eaters that usually everyone can find something. Well last night it was a small group so there was a smaller variety but there was a lot of fresh fruit and some homeade salsa with corn chips. That's what I decided on. In the past I would have felt deprived but I just relished the delicious berries medley, fresh pineapple and watermelon and the yummy homemade salsa and let it be. I feel so much more free from that constant mental chatter saying, "eat, eat, eat, eat." That voice has gotten a lot more quiet. THANK HEAVENS!

So, I'm just feeling good. Still moving, still nourishing and feeling a sense joy in the beauty of my family and of this amazing world!

An answer to prayers

2010-05-26T19:33:00.003-06:00

Today my two friends from my church came by for a visit and we just chatted a bit about this and that. I found myself opening up to them and sharing my struggles with food addiction. One thing I've realized is that when I was killing it back about a year and half ago it was because I wasn't on a "diet". I recognized that I am a food addict and I treated myself very carefully because of that. I strictly avoided anything that would be a trigger for me and I took each day seriously. I was also very kind to myself, recognizing my struggles for what they were and not letting them define me. I shared all that info with them and then surprised myself by asking them if they would be willing to remember me in their prayers. They were both so sweet and non-judgemental and so, so willing. My friend Jennifer offered a prayer for me right then and there and it was very empowering. I feel so bouyed up. I know that I am not in this alone. I have my own strength (puny at best) but I also have the strength of my friends and my family and especially my Savior to draw from.

I would like to pass that blessing on to others. If you would like me to remember you in my prayers please feel free to leave a comment or if you don't want it public you are welcome to email me at barefootpixie-at-comcast-dot-net (no dashes or spaces). If you are one to pray I'd also love it if you would include me in your prayers.

Love,
Em

I'm shameless!

2010-05-25T14:17:00.003-06:00

I've realized something interesting about myself in the last day or two. I've been feeling ashamed for starting over. About 18 months ago I began this blog and I was on fire! I was fearless and attacked my weight issues with relish and I lost almost 45 pounds in about 4 months. I felt great. Then...I stopped.

I'm still not sure what stopped me. I was heading into new ground. I was just 8 pounds away from being below 260, a place I haven't been since before I got pregnant with my oldest child who is now 14. I really think it was a weird combination of two things. #1 - I was feeling like, "Hey, I've got this figured out now!" and I stopped trying as hard or taking it as seriously. #2 - I plain and simple just freaked out and got scared.

Scared? Why on earth would I be scared of conquering this problem that has been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember? Why on earth would I be scared of feeling better, looking better, living longer? I really don't know why I'm scared but I recognize that it's true. There is a big part of me that is afriad of reaching my goal. I have nothing in my past that would mean that I needed weight to protect myself but it has become this toxic security blanket. I really don't understand but I am seeking understanding.

So, back to this "shame" thing. 18 months ago I began at 312 pounds. I settled at 272 although I saw 268 a few times. Now I'm back up to anywhere between 292 and 296. There is this subconcious part of me that thinks that it's shameful to start over again. Logically that makes no sense so I'm choosing to reject it. I'm PROUD to be starting over, or more aptly, continuing forward on this journey. I struggle with times of hopelesness and fear that I will never make it but I know that's only true if I decide to quit trying. Well, I'm not quitting.

FOOD - I've been off of all white flours and sugars for 9 days today. It's my goal to make that my permanent way of life. Diabetes runs in my family and scares me to death. I'm not going there so I'm getting my sugars under control now while I'm not facing that disease. I'm realizing more and more, though, that I've got to focus on portions and eating veggies, veggies, veggies. Fruit is not a problem for me. I love fruit. I need to get the veggie thing figured out though.

EXERCISE - My feet are in agony 80% of the time. I have plantars fasciitis in an advanced state and therefore my favorite exercise, walking, is a lot less desirable. I'm working on riding the exercise bike instead for my daily exercise. It kills my butt so I'm only able to do about 12 minutes at a time now. Still, it's more about creating habits then the amount of time, initially anyway. So I'm working on sticking to it every day except for Sunday's. So far I've done Friday, Saturday, Monday and Tuesday.

I'm sticking to it. I'm going for it.
Em

Talking to myself

2010-05-18T18:52:00.003-06:00

I haven't blogged here for months. I was doing really well at first and was just debating about switching between this blog and another one so didn't post but then things got worse for me.

I've been really struggling over the last few months. I'll have days or even weeks where I'm feeling great and empowered and then it's just disappeared again. I'd let fear take over and I was stuck. I envisioned myself as standing on the lip of a huge canyon that represented the obstacle I need to overcome - my weight and food addiction. I've reached a point in my life where the Spirit has whispered, no, more like slapped me upside the head and said,"Hey, you in there?" Through the Spirit I have finally come to realize something that I already knew. We are never truly happy unless we are progressing and I have come to a place where I can not progress without fixing this problem. That realization was very painful for a while and I was even more scared because I was feeling forced into something so hard.

The other day I was reminded by a good friend of one of my favorite sayings, "Relax the sponge." It's just a little reminder of the following principle. If you squeeze a sponge as tight as it will go it cannot absorb anything. You have to relax it so that it can absorb. Our minds and spirits are the same. When you are struggling with searching for something, an answer to a question, an idea, a name you've forgotten, your lost keys, whatever - as long as you are frantic and letting those wheels spin constantly with busyness then you can't hear the promptings of the Spirit that will give you your answer. You need to 'relax the sponge' so that you can hear and absorb the answer you are seeking. With that reminder from my friend tickling the back of my brain I took a mental health hour and locked myself in the bathroom in a nice hot bubble bath. I played my favorite spa music and just quieted my heart and mind and this is what came to me.

First of all I realized that I can be truly pleased with the woman that I am. I know that on a concious level but I've been feeling so down on myself for my weight (I've regained a good chunk of what I'd lost) and also for all the health issues that have been exacerbated, if not caused, by the extra weight that I just couldn't FEEL that self-love that is so important. I took some time to tell myself all the things that I love about me. I had a talk with FatMe and we came to the conclusion that she is an amazing woman and that she should be truly proud of who she is and what she's accomplished but that she's tired now and really wants to retire. I basically told my extra pounds that they have fulfilled their purpose (to protect me, to teach me a lot about compassion, hard work, humility and temperance) and that I could now release them and let them go. Suddenly I had this vision of that huge canyon that I need to cross in order to get to my goals and I saw that I don't have to actually climb down into it. Jesus Christ has already built a bridge over it. I imagine it like that bridge in the Indiana Jones third movie where you can't see it but you just take that leap of faith and find yourself standing where you thought you'd be falling. I also realized that just by being willing to look for those answers I had already taken the first step. I was flooded by a sense of peace and calm and a realization that this journey can be a joyful one. It doesn't have to all be Biggest Loser-style pain and anguish and drama acted out on a treadmill. I can choose to daily find joyful ways to gradually increase my strength and nourish mind and body and the Savior will increase my abilities and expand my results.

After feeling that great feeling I then spoke to FitMe and I welcomed her into my life. I told her that I'm looking forward to getting to know her better and I'm grateful for the lessons and adventures we will experience together. That was last week on Tuesday and I've really experienced a change of heart. I realize more than ever that this is a gradual process internally but I expect it to be like most things I've experienced in my life where I'll experience an inward transformation and then suddenly the outward transformation will begin to occur.

One outward goal I've set (although approaching with a spiritual foundation) is to eliminate whenever at all possible all white flours and sugars from my diet. I say whenver possible because I realize that I'll still be faced with times when what I eat is not entirely within my control. In those cases I'll do the best I can and move on. In my home, however, I can virtually eliminate those things all together. My goal right now is to make it to three weeks. At that point it will be easier to maintain that since I will have done it for 21 days and we all know that 21 day rule.

So I'm on day 2 and I just wanted to share that with you. Thanks so much for being such an amazing source of strength and encouragment to me. Love you all!

Habit-a-week challenge

2010-01-12T22:07:00.003-07:00

I am participating in the Escape from Obesity Habit-a-Week Challenge. Each Monday Lyn posts a new healthy habit to focus on for that week. As you stack the challenges, continuing the previous weeks and adding a new one, it is a great way to really shift your attitude. Don't worry, these are completely doable for anyone at any stage of fitness. I would encourage everyone, overweight or not, to take a look at her blog and add it to your "must read" list. It's really great.

As for me, I'm doing really well. My two middle children, the ones who have been following in my unhealthy footsteps (or maybe that would actually the bumm print in the sofa) are also doing well. We are taking time each morning to plan our meals and snacks for the day with the kids helping to choose what they eat so they still feel like they have control. We try to plan them so that we are keeping away the hungry monster but eating properly balanced nutrition. Isaac will say things like, "I think I need another vegetable" which makes me SO happy. We are all working out each day, usually on the Wii Fit and we are cutting back on snacks. We are back to the little-or-no sugar or refined flour way of life and it makes SUCH a difference. Last night I made homemade whole wheat egg noodles to put in the chicken noodle soup. They were so yummy. Everyone loved them and it was wonderful to know that the meal we were eating was 100% good for us!

Here is the recipe:
1 egg (very well beaten)
1 to 1 1/2 Tbs water
combine thoroughly
Add:1 cup whole wheat flour
You'll have to do about half at first and mix well then the rest will get blended in with your fingers and you'll knead it in. When it's well mixed let it rest for 5 minutes. Roll out with a pasta roller or on the counter (that is what I did). Basically, the thinner the better. They thicken up a bit while cooking. Cut into desired shape and let dry for at least two hours. I used a pizza cutter and cut mine into three inch long strips, each about 1/4 inch wide. I dropped the dried noodles into my rapidly boiling chicken broth and they cooked through in just a couple of minutes. In the future I will probably double that recipe for a large pot of soup.

Enjoy!
Emily

A new rock bottom: a tale of bouncy balls

2010-01-09T16:44:00.003-07:00

NO - don't worry from the title that I have hit an all time low and have descended into the depths of depression. I'm just pondering the idea of "rock bottom" and all that it implies.

Does hitting rock bottom have to mean that you realize that life is no longer worth living if you don't change? I've heard it said that rock bottom is the place you get where it is more painful to remain where you are than to change. I agree with that in many ways but it sounds so depressing.

I've been studying the principles taught by Leslie Houselder, best-selling author of The Jackrabbit Factor: Why You Can. She is an amazing woman and a mentor of mine through all of her literature and products. I am taking some online courses of hers and today I was working on a lesson that asks just such a question. Most of her work directly relates to money but the principles are applicable to any area of life. She suggests (and I tend to agree) that rock bottom is a place where you have finally done all you can do as a person and you have still not acheived change. According to her, the only way to really know you have reached rock bottom is that you are finally ready to look at your situation from a place of humility instead of control or anger. Let's look at this as applied to a quest for a healthier you.

If I am constantly eating those foods and those quantities that are going to add to my waistline I find myself weighing in and looking at that scale and thinking, "stupid woman! You know if you keep doing this you are going to end up at four hundred pounds!" or something like, " I have GOT to lose this weight!" or even, "Why does ________ get to eat whatever he/she wants and I have to eat this rabbit food?" Does any of this sound truly humble? No. It's anger. It's denial. What happens when I finally take a long look at myself and say, "I really don't have control. Dear Heavenly Father, please help me. I can't do this alone." When my heart is sincere and my confidence in Him takes over - that is when I know that I have hit rock-bottom. But, "wait", you say. Isn't rock bottom supposed to be a bad thing? Well, if you throw a bouncy ball at the floor does it just sit there in despondency? NO! It bounces! That is when you start to see action. I am a bouncy ball. Hitting rock bottom means that I bounce back! It means that action is coming - I will come alive and be vibrant and interesting. A bouncy ball must hit the ground to take action and, apparently so must I.

Rock bottom? You mean that I have to hit rock bottom to take action? That hurts! Doesn't that mean that I would constantly have to be in crisis mode? No. It doesn't. I can choose what my rock-bottom looks like. 14 months ago I hit a rock bottom when I realized that my weight of 312 lbs was killing me. I was suffocating in the pain and fear of it all. I got to a point where I was no longer avoiding it, rejecting it or throwing a temper tantrum about it. I knew that it would just lead to more pain. I faced that I had to change in order to save my life. It was that bounce that sent me soaring. I soared for a long time until I started to decline again. I chose to not allow myself to decline all the way back to 312 pounds. I still remember the pain all too well. Instead I hit rock bottom when I realized I had gained until I was back up to 290. It's a small step but "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." I am facing this with an attitude of gratitude for the progress I have made and the progress that I know I will make. By relying on the Savior I can accomplish ANYTHING!

So here is a question for you: What does your rock-bottom look like? What changes have you been able to make after hitting "rock bottom"? Can you raise your idea of rock bottom to help you make steps forward? Let's see how our comments can help each other!

Emily

I'm in love with the Wii!

2010-01-04T19:42:00.002-07:00

When Richard and I met nearly 16 years ago we both agreed that we would never, and I mean NEVER, own any kind of video gaming system. Both of us saw them as unhealthy time-suckers that breed contention even in fairly level-headed, responsible adults. I know that this veiw is wildly unpopular and I will probably be bashed. I can take it. I do admit that I never saw the Wii coming. So now, we have caved. As I mentioned before, Santa brought a Wii, the Wii Fit Plus and a couple of games. We have added some Motion Plus controllers and a couple more games and the entire family has really enjoyed it all together.

Here's another thing I didn't expect - I love it! When we got it I thought that it could be tolerated and that it could possibly be a good tool to get my middle two children moving (the other two don't seem to have a problem with that). I didn't forsee it being such a great motivater for me. I have done at least 30 minutes of exercise on it nearly every day since we got it and it doesn't even feel like exercise. Okay, that is not entirely true. I definitely feel my heart beating faster and the sweat pouring down my back and my breath coming faster but I don't feel that, "Here I am, exercising, putting in my time, not really loving it but knowing I need to do it" feeling. Instead I just play and it's entertaining and challenging (some of them anyway). I've discovered some of my favorite games like Rhythym Parade and Obstacle Course that are a great work out. I guess it's just time for me to eat my words.

The Anti-Resolution Movement

2009-12-28T17:09:00.002-07:00

If you are involved in the healthy blogger community then you know that there is a strong feeling of negativity surrounding the idea of making New Year's Resolutions. In many ways I understand it. It's the same reason that I refuse to join a gym during the end of December or at all during January and don't even want to go to the gym at all. Those first few weeks of any new year are always completely packed at the gym. Hundreds of well meaning pseudo-athletes flock to the treadmills, stair climbers and eliptical machines and madly pump away for two to four weeks, sometimes lasting as much as five or six weeks. Then the gym becomes a tomb and McDonalds and Olive Garden are back in business. How do I know so much about this? Because I have been one of those resolutionists many, many times. Then, finally, about four years ago I decided that I was done. I would not be setting any more New Year's goals just to fail at them mere weeks or even days into the New Year. You know what happened then? I gave up.

For the next three years I decided that there was no hope and no point in trying. I ballooned up to 312 pounds. Then on October 28th, 2008 something clicked in me and I decided that the fight to change was worth engaging in. I jumped in with New Years Resolution-type zeal and lost forty pounds in four months. I felt great! On top of the world! I could do anything. The only problem is that it's now December 28th - exactly 14 months after my 're-birth' and I am now back up about 15 of those pounds and not really sure how to proceed.

I have to admit it. I don't know the answer. It's possible that I never will. I do know this, though. I am HAPPIER fighting the fight. I have joy in knowing that I am not giving up. Is it possible that I may never reach my goal, that I may always be obese? Yes. It's very possible. Still, I refuse to give up. There is something in me still that was missing for so many years. That something is hope. I have hope that if I just try to make today a tiny bit better than yesterday that someday, maybe a long time from now, I can be healthier and more fit. I will continue to hope and to try and probably to fail but I won't let that be the end because there is always the getting-up again.

This is my New Years Resolution and I make it proudly and with my head held high. I resolve to be kinder to myself and to never give up. I may have a hard day/week/month but that doesn't mean that I will give up. So while I am not eating perfectly or exercising hours per day I am not giving up.

Em

Still alive

2009-12-28T12:04:00.002-07:00

Not much to say but I'm still here. I haven't lost any more but I haven't gained any either which is saying something when it's the holidays and I've been so busy (which usually is a trigger for me to binge).

We got a Wii for Christmas including the Wii Fit. I've played on it twice and it's really fun and actually a pretty darn good workout. It's really great too because it tracks your progress. As you know I have this horrible obsession with weighing myself when I'm in the "workout/exercise, lose weight" mode. On this you don't have to track your weight, it only shows you if you ask it to but it tracks your BMI and tells you your progress and your fitness "age". I think I'm really going to like it.

I'm ready to make more progress and hopefully get more consistent with blogging again, too. Thanks for all the well wishes and "where are you?" comments. It's more helpful than you know.

Em

One week in

2009-10-27T10:44:00.002-06:00

I weighed in yesterday. 282. That is 4.5 lbs in a week. YAY! I went through an entire week with no binges and worked out 5 days. I'm back to 30lbs down from my highest point! I'm feeling great!

My 4 year old is still struggling with sugar and his cravings. We spent one entire week working closely with him trying to help him overcome his withdrawls. Then yesterday we had a Halloween party at our house and there were treats galore. Now we have to do it all over again. Sigh. Still plugging along. This will take time.

Thank you again for all your support and care and prayers. We need it and thank you for being there for us!
Em

A shocking wake-up call

2009-10-21T09:56:00.003-06:00

These last few days have been great for me as I am reawakened to the purpose behind this journey. It has been hard for some members of my family, though. Two of my four children have picked up all my bad habits and are really struggling. The 10 year old is probably going to be the one who has more long term issues with food but the 4 year old is the really intense one right now. He is absolutely
FREAKING out over the lack of sugar in our house. He has been throwing a fit for three solid days because he wants treats so bad. Watching his very volatile reaction is a chilling reminder of what I have been doing to my whole family.

Yesterday we went to the grocery store, just him and me, to shop for healthy foods. We have had a depressing lack of fresh vegetables and whole grain snack foods and needed to stock up. We bought tons of vegetables and fruits and he helped me pick them all out. He had been promised that he could pick a healthy treat and we had pre-determined that it would be yogurt (he LOVES the stuff). As we walked to the back of the store to buy the milk and the yogurt we kept passing all the halloween candy and the center aisles stuffed with holiday baking supplies. He kept saying, "Let's get that. That looks yummy." etc. I said that we were going to get our healthy snacks and he started crying and yelling, "I want sugar!"

Wow!

I ended up buying some carmel corn flavored "Quakes" rice snacks (one of my favorite sweet treats at only 60cal) and I told him we could have some when we got to the car. As he climbed into the car the bag popped and a bunch of crumbs fell on the floor of the car. He literally dropped to his knees and started shoveling the crumbs into his mouth with both hands. It was a physical representation of the internal panicky craving I have frequently experienced. For a moment I just stood there staring at him and wanting to scream and cry. How on earth did we get here? I came to my senses and stopped him. I reminded him that we were going to have snack and that we didn't need to "clean up" by eating the crumbs. He helped me to brush them on to the ground and we got our 7 mini-cakes each and headed on our way.

I need to note that he was hungry and in need of a snack but the craving was the main culprit. On a normal, treat filled day, he would never have behaved that way. He's in sugar de-tox. We adults tend to bury our cravings and our behaviours under a layer of pretending because of our shame. This little guy just let it all hang out since he hasn't learned that shame (thank heavens). It was like watching the inner insecure child in me acting out without abandon.

I don't ever, ever want to forget that moment. It was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced as a mother. I am making this change for me, yes, but when it's hard to remember that fact I will remind myself of my four year old scrambling to shovel crumbs in his mouth from the floor of my car and I will keep going because I can't fail at this. I can't create an environement where my children are set up for all the diseases both physical and emotional that accompany a life of food addiction and obesity.

This is for me and this is for them. We all deserve to be whole.
I will never forget.

No Regrets

2009-10-20T11:53:00.003-06:00

I've been thinking today about the things that I regret. I'm not just talking about a little bit of wistfullness but true regret that hurts your heart. It's funny but I don't regret NOT eating something yet I DO regret choosing to eat a lot of things. I don't regret taking a walk but I DO regret passing up an opportunity to be active. I don't regret spending time with my family or friends and I DO regret concentrating on food more than people at different occassions and events.

The point? This may be obvious but it bears asking. If I know I'm not going to regret passing up an extra serving at dinner but am going to regret the extra pounds it adds then why do I choose to do it anyway? This is a good thing to remind myself of.

Last night as dinner time approached I started to feel that panicky need-to-eat feeling. I knew that evening were typically the hardest part of the day for me so I started to pray and pray and pray. I sat down at the table and made sure I set it with the small dinner plates to help with portion control. I drank a full glass of water before eating then dished up a large helping of vegetables and ate all of those before the main dish. I had the main dish and really wanted more. Since I'm not sure if I wanted more because I was still truly hungry or just because that is how I've trained my body I decided to wait for ten minutes and if I still wanted more I could have a small serving of seconds. After ten minutes of sitting and chatting with my family I decided I really was still hungry so I dished up a small serving. I was sure I would finish it all but I realized that I really didn't need quite that much and I was able to leave the last bit on my plate. This might seem like a small thing but it is a personal victory and I'm continuing on with my resolution to CELEBRATE the progress I make. And you know what? I don't regret not eating that last bit of food.

Today is another day where I am working to have a day free from regrets. Yesterday was good and I'm going to have another one today. Thanks to my family and friends who are all so kind to support me. I love you guys!
Em

BTW - the picture is of me with my new haircut. The picture doesn't really do it justice. It's super cute!

A Fresh Start

2009-10-19T12:47:00.002-06:00

Today I weighed in at 286.5. This is a wake up call. At my lowest point I saw 268 but most of the time I was at 272. That means that I have gained back 14.5 pounds. I keep thinking of that line from Star Trek: First Contact. "The line must be drawn HERE. This far. No further!" AMEN!

I've been thinking a lot today about lies I tell myself. These are lies that I have come to believe so deeply (although not necessarily consciously) that when I hear the truth I discount it. I'm not going to relist them all right now as there are too many for my limited time but here are two that are particularly applicable to this blog.

LIE - I have to be in "new ground" of weight loss for it to really count.
TRUTH - no matter that I have regained some weight. The real journey is always today. Today I am making good choices and I will celebrate my successes started right now. When I lose some weight I'm not going to wait to "count it" until I'm back under 272. Losing weight it losing weight!

LIE - I can't share with my friends and family the successes of right now because it's too embarassing to admit my failures from before.If I tell them (or post on my blog) that I'm down, say, 3.5 pounds then they will assume that it's down from my lowest weight and I'll have to set them straight. I'm too ashamed.
TRUTH - I have the best support system of almost anyone I know. My family and friends love me and accept me for who I am and they are cheering me on each and every day. In addition, should someone choose to judge me or reject me then that is their problem. I CHOOSE to be joyful over the successes I experience right now.

So. I'm removing the "I LOST 40 LBS" button from my sidebar and putting up new ones based on my highest weight. I started this journey almost a year ago at 312. My new goal is 282 which will be 30 lbs lost. When I reach that it will be a true victory and I will accept it as such!

I'm celebrating my successes of today - I exercised for 35 min. and I've eaten conciously all day today. I'm facing my day proactively. Not just in areas of food and exercise but in all things. I've studied my scriptures, written in my journal, updated this blog and taken time for meditation and prayer. I feel powerful.

This is my scripture for today.
1 Nephi 1:20
"And behold I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all whom he hath chose, because of their faith, and he will make them mighty, even unto the power of deliverance."
That is so wonderful! I love the thought of tender mercies making me powerful enough for deliverance. That is what I long for - to be delivered from the bondage of this addiction. It will come!

Feeling defeated

2009-10-17T11:10:00.002-06:00

Last October - specifically October 28th - I took a long hard look at my life and faced the fact that I was desperately unhappy with how I was living. I realized that my fears and my addiction to food were ruling my life to the point that I wasn't actually living it anymore. Through a lot of tears and heartache I was able to really see what it was that I was doing to myself. It was ugly. It was painful. It changed me. I began working through my church's 12 step program for addiction focusing on my addiction to food. I began to feel hope for the first time in years that I could actually change the person that I was into a new, whole, healthy person. As I studied and prayed and focused on that change of heart I began to develop new habits that resulted in my losing 40 pounds in about 4 months. I felt like I was unstoppable.

Then I faced an illness and a surgery that began to derail my healthy habits. I started backsliding but I recognized what was going on and I pulled out of it for while. That began a five month process of on again off again. I would do really well for a while then something would change and I would just lose control for a while. At first it was mostly good days with a few bad days then gradually it became mostly bad days with a few good days. Since the middle of August I have really had almost all bad days. One or two days here and there I'll feel like I can do it again. I'll pull it together. I'll exercise and eat well and drink lots of water and just live conciously. But it doesn't last. Realistically it's now been weeks since I've really had a good day. I'm just unable to recapture that focus and passion. I'm a slave to my addiction again.

I've felt the hope. I've felt the control. I've felt the joy of accomplishing what I'm trying for. I've also felt the shame and the heartache and the pain of feeling like I'm too weak and incapable. I absolutely prefer the joy so why am I still here? What payoff am I getting that is keeping stuck in this prison????? I feel so defeated. I just don't seem to care enough to really make it happen, to commit my heart and soul.

Sorry for such a depressing post. One thing I do know is that if I'm not completely honest I can never heal. Here it is. The complete honesty of my sucky thought process right now. I need my butt kicked. I need something to bring me back to that passion and purpose that I had before. The vision that I had of me living my healthiest, happiest, fullest life is gone. I can't even see it in my head anymore. Without that vision and the belief that it could really happen there doesn't seem to be any point in putting the effort and self-denial into it all.

I've gained back 14 pounds. I'm still down 28 from my highest weight but I seem to be on the gaining track now.

*sigh*

Shut up you stupid DIET!

2009-09-28T23:48:00.004-06:00

I've been fazing in and out of the battle of the bulge for the last few weeks. Finally it has been hitting me why I'm not having success and why I have no motivation. This has turned into a diet. Ug! I HATE diets! I refuse to go on another diet ever...for the rest of my life. Dieting is hunger, stress, confusion, cheating, failure, shame, depravation. Who wants to do that? I mean, really!

No, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!! I will not diet. I will NOT DIET!

(deep breaths)

Okay, here is the reality of the situation. I am an addict. I get the same pay off from food that someone else might get from a drug. I turn to food for comfort, entertainment, stress-relief, sadness, celebration. A diet says to me "stop eating junk and start exercising". Great advice, Diet. Why didn't I think of that? Oh, yeah. Because I'm an ADDICT! The only way to overcome addiction is to learn how to face those needs and deal with them instead of trying to mask them. I have to go through serious mental, emotional and physical changes and a diet will only address part of one of those categories. These are some of the things I need to have occur in order for me to truly heal and become and whole, non-addicted person.

Mental Changes - I need to learn healthy ways of thinking of food. I'm not just talking nutrition but learning how to make decisions in the heat of the moment and keep myself from getting in bad situations.

Emotional - I need to face my fears, stresses, happiness, anger, etc. head on and not try to stuff those emotions down with food. Being proactive about the situations I may face and learning how to cope with my feelings properly will take the pressure off so I won't have that need to medicate.

Physical - I have to learn new cues. My body has been trained to give me faulty information about hunger and satiety. I need to retrain it to understand proper portions and timing. In addition I need to train myself to move constantly.

So many changes need to happen that it can seem overwhelming but I don't have to worry about the entire process. I just need to focus on today. Right now. This moment. And in this moment I can choose to make healthy choices. I will start right now by actually getting to bed before midnight. So, good night, sleep well and dream of what the future can bring. No DIETS allowed!
Em

Feeling like a sheep

2009-09-14T09:11:00.004-06:00

I actually got up this morning and went walking. It was very enjoyable as it was a beautiful morning, clear and little cool and breezy. I would have enjoyed it even more if it weren't for the very large black dog that was loose that suddenly came running toward me, scaring the *&^% out of me and then followed me for a couple of blocks until I finally just turned and headed for home. As I turned up my street the dog headed the other way and I thought, "Good, I'll just loop up past my house and go around the other block." As soon as I had thought that the dog turned around and came right back behind me. For the rest of my street he just trotted along exploring the lawns on either side of the street, always staying just close enough to make me nervous. I assumed that when got to my house he would continue on up the street, exploring the rest of the houses on the block. Oh, no. I walked up my driveway and he immediately returned from the next door neighbors yard and came right up to me. When I go walking I like to finish up with a few quiet minutes on my front steps before I go in and face the chaos of cleaning and breakfast and children but this time I just walked right inside my house. I felt like I had been herded right in the door. I did get a decent walk in but not nearly as nice as it would have been without the interfering mutt.

Always one for analogies and drawing parallels I'm led to think about the way that I am herded into making choices by outside forces and my own fear in dealing with them. If I were a great pet lover and used to dogs (and not still afraid of the larger varieties thanks to that horrible mean dog that I had to deal with every day on the way to and from school as a child) I would probably have eventually called it over and checked for a collar and tried to find the dogs owners. At the very least I wouldn't have been as nervous as I was and I wouldn't have had that unpleasant tingling of adrenaline running up and down my spine the entire time. How does this compare to other areas of my life? How many times do I choose to make a decision based on my fear of change, my fear of offending someone, my fear of being judged? Do I let others opinions and personalities herd me? Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a pretty strong personality myself. I haven't seen myself as someone easily dominated. I think that it's more subtle. It's more my desire for approval that makes me bow to anothers opinion and I think it happens under my own radar - many times I don't even notice what I've done until it's over. It also makes me realize that I may be the person who does this to others. Am I actually the dog???

Deep questions that will have to wait until after breakfast (whole grain pancakes - mmmmm, yummy).

Thank you all for your encouragement. I'm not giving up. I feel like I've really been strengthened over the last week or so and I'm really looking forward to a healthier, happier fall.
Em

Sigh ~ what now?

2009-09-09T15:27:00.003-06:00

Well, Summit is over. The excuses are gone and here I still sit. I don't know exactly why I am feeling so lost or how to recapture the passion and vision that I've had for so many months. I'm kind of struggling with this sense of let-down after the work, the busy-ness and the emotional impact of Summit but I'm really enjoying the quiet time with my family, too. I'm not giving up but I'm not really feeling the desire for change. I do still have the desire for the desire. That is what's keeping me from throwing caution to the wind and binging morning to night like there's not tomorrow. How can I get that passion back?
Em

Feeling the weight of it all

2009-08-20T08:08:00.002-06:00

Crazy, crazy busy time. I haven't cooked a real meal in weeks. We have been eating fast food and convenience grocery store foods and quick meals like pancakes and pasta - lots of pasta. My beautiful garden vegetables are just sitting there, not getting used and many not even getting harvested. Today has to be the day that I pull it all back together. I need to clean my house, get my garden harvested, clean out my refrigerator and grocery shop so that I will have real food in my house again. I haven't been weighing in and I don't plan on it until after my event next weekend. Then things will be calming down (relatively) and it'll be time to get back in my groove.

All of this fast food has really brought something to light. I haven't been eating red meat for a while now and when I started eating out a lot it was just easy to grab a hamburger. YUCK! It did actually taste okay it was just the way it sits like a rock in my stomach. I hate the way it makes me feel! I feel like I'm weighed down by the grease and I've even noticed that my skin feels gross and my breath isn't as good as before. These are all subtle things but it really makes me realize what I'd been doing to myself all these years. Sometimes it takes going back to a bad habit to make you see how much you REALLY don't want to be there anymore. So that is it! No more of the fast food runs. I'm back to Subway or Chick-fil-A wraps when I absolutely must eat out and other than that, it's home cooked delicious and nutritious meals for us. I've planned out some easy(er) meals for the next two hectic weeks and I'm making it a priority to nourish my body (and the bodies of my family). Having that nourishment will allow us to handle the stresses of our busy schedule much better.

Now, on to the cleaning. Here's is to hoping that my little ones will behave and let me accomplish something today.

Em

My new goal

2009-08-11T10:31:00.002-06:00

Today I weighed in and I've gained another 1/2 lb up to 272.5. My new goal for the rest of the month of August is to MAINTAIN at 272. That is my 40lb lost mark and I want to stay there. I am in charge of a large event the last weekend of the month and I'm just so busy that I have really let my exercise go. It is what it is. I can either guilt trip myself or I can just say, okay, it's not an excuse to binge. Keep the eating under control and just maintain. When August is over I'll get back to exercising and I won't have been on a scale roller coaster so I'll be in a good place to get moving.

That is my plan.
Em

Back up 2 lbs

2009-08-05T10:25:00.002-06:00

That was not what was supposed to happen. Will I ever be completely rid of the 270's? I know that it is because of my lack of exercise. I know exactly why I gained back 2 lbs but I just don't know why I didn't exercise. I'm trying to analyze the reason behind the failure, not the failure itself. That being said, I actually hate the word "failure" and shouldn't even be using it. I can only fail when I actually give up. I refuse to do that. So I'm just trying again.

Emily

Weigh-in Today.

2009-07-29T14:46:00.003-06:00

I weighed in this morning instead of yesterday. I was sick as a dog yesterday.

This morning - (drum roll please) 269!! I met my goal, even if it was a day late.

I am so HAPPY to be back in the 260's. I really, really, REALLy don't ever want to see 270 again.

My scale is safely stowed away for the next week and my goal is 267 by next Tuesday. From here on out my goals will probably only be in the 2 pound range which I think is a very healthy goal for a week. This week it will be a little bit of extra work since part of my weight loss might have been due to being sick yesterday so I'll need to make sure that is "real" plus lose 2 more pounds. Get what I mean?

I'm feeling pretty good about things and I'll be excited to finally put up a 45lbs Lost button in my side bar next week.

Wish me luck!
Emily

It's so HOT!!

2009-07-25T07:53:00.002-06:00

I've been doing well with food but not so great with exercise. My excuse? I'm broiling! We've been hitting that annual Utah summer sizzle and my lame air conditioner can't keep up so we've been roasting. I've been getting up early to try to get some exercise in before it heats up too much but then I start out my day hot and sweaty and no amount of cold showers can cool me off all the way which adds to the heat that much more. It's not a good excuse and I know I need to find a way around it. Don't get me wrong I am still working out it just hasn't been as often. I am still trying to find ways to be active through my day but it is very tempting to just lay under the air conditioner and eat popsicles all day.

A lovely experience yesterday: I went to a party at my sisters to celebrate our big state holiday - Pioneer Day. There was someone there that I haven't seen in years and I sat down next to her to try to be friendly and welcome her to the group and she immediately asked me if I was pregnant. Sigh. I don't blame her. I look pregnant and I know it but it still feels like crap! I think it's actually even more pronounced now than 40 lbs ago because the rest of me is shrinking but my belly really isn't. I have a lovely hanging belly that will shrink but will never disappear without plastic surgery. You can't be 312 lbs and have 4 children (while being fat) without permanent damage to the skin and the worst spot for me is my lower abdomen. So now I'm less porportionate than I was when I was heavier and I look pregnant. To add insult to serious injury when I was pregnant the last time I had multiple people that I saw frequently who said they didn't know I was pregnant when I was around 8 months along. That just seems totally unfair.

I'm trying to brush it all off and just let it add to my conviction that by this time next year I will be so much lighter which will bring me closer to having my tummy tuck and also will keep me much cooler. I'm going to do some aerobic house cleaning now. I need it and so does my house.
Emily

Weigh-in Today.

2009-07-21T10:36:00.002-06:00

Last Tuesday - 280
This morning - 273
Down 7 pounds in 7 days. Trying to be thrilled, really I am thrilled, it's just tempered by the fact that I've done this exact thing before. The real kicker will be this week. I've got the scale safely squirreled away so I'm not tempted to do my obsessive weighing and I'm shooting for a 4 pound loss this week. I will be SO happy to be out of th 270's...again.
Emily

A Conversation

2009-07-20T09:35:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow is my weigh in day. For the first time in a very long time I have avoided weighing myself at all through the week so tomorrow it will be a full seven days. I'm finding myself having a very interesting internal dialogue today.

Fat me:Tomorrow is weigh-in day, that means I have to be perfect today or I'm going to mess it all up.

Fit me: Success is made up of many days and many moments. Do your best today but don't panic.

Fat me: But if I starve myself today then my weight will be that much better.

Fit me: Um, no, crazy woman! That might actually show up as a slightly bigger loss for the week but in reality you'll just be sabotaging all your efforts and throw your body into starvation mode. Bad idea.

Fat me: Okay, you're right. Besides, I don't really want to starve myself. In fact, I've done so well this week that I bet I have "extra" calories left over. Maybe I need a treat to reward myself for my awesome acheivements.

Fit me: Back away from the doughnut! No, just keep on steady. You are doing great. No need to panic, no need to binge. Today is just another day and you just keep on going.

Fat me: You're right again. I'll be good today. Tomorrow I'll weigh in and it will be awesome. Then I'll binge.

Fit me: No, you won't. You've worked too hard too long to throw it all in AFTER seeing success (and you know you are going to see good stuff happening tomorrow on the scale). Once again, just keep it reasonable and steady and keeping going.

Fat me: You're so bossy! Quit telling me what to do. I'm going to eat and I'm going to do it now!

Fit me: Listen, if you keep acting like this I am going to have to ask you to leave.

Fat me (reaching for that last chocolate donut with a nasty grin on her face): Just who is going to make me?

Fit me: I am!

At this point it gets ugly but let's face it, Fit Me has a lot more muscle, determination, will-power and stamina than Fat Me so the outcome is pretty obvious. I'm afraid there will be one less Fat Me around here.:)
Emily

On top of it all

2009-07-18T11:10:00.002-06:00

I'm feeling great! I haven't felt this together for months! Things may still be crazy with life, my family is still recovering for sicknesses, etc. but I am in control of my life again. You know how you go through those times when you are doing okay but still feeling like you are barely keeping it together then there are those times when you fall apart completely. I'm experiencing that wonderful third option where I'm together and feeling confident and it's AMAZING! The scale is hidden away where I can't find it (thanks to my sweet DH) and I'll see how things look on Tuesday when I weigh in again but no matter what the scale shows I feel so good about my progress.

I was thinking yesterday about the last few months and how discouraged I was about my lack of progress when the thought came to me that I'm still working and still plugging along. I haven't given up and thrown in the towel. I've kept getting back up and trying again. This month on the 28th it will be my nine months anniversary for starting these changes in my life. I think my previous record for longevity was 3 months...maybe. That in and of itself tells me that I am here to stay. I may stumble, I may falter, I know that I will have more hard days and weeks and maybe even months but I will not give up. I will NEVER give up!

Thank you for all your support and compassion. It means the world to me.
Emily

Journaling myself thinner

2009-07-15T13:29:00.003-06:00

One of the habits that I keep up on when I'm doing well is reading my scriptures and writing in my journal. I have a specific journal that I keep all about this journey to change myself from the inside out. Yesterday I started back on track with eating and exercising and did read in my scriptures but it wasn't until this morning that I got that journal out and realized that it had been almost a full month since I had written last. I gave myself the time to really share my feelings, my stresses, my hopes, my goals and the things I studied about today then I went back and flipped through and read some previous posts. I have to say that I am pretty inspiring! LOL. At least to myself. Reading the entries from the times when I have been doing the very best was so encouraging because it brought all those feelings and memories right back to the fore front of my mind. It helped me to feel like I had never fallen apart, like I was right back to the strongest I've ever been.

If you are struggling go back and read an old journal entry or blog post from when you were having success and it will inspire you. My journal is back on the top of my priority list and I am feeling fantastic!

I had a great lunch: spinach and romaine with shrimp, grape tomatoes, craisins and little bit of cheddar cheese and low-fat creamy ceasar dressing. Also honeydew melon with lime juice. Yummy! I've been on track all day yesterday and so far today which is especially impressive because DH is gone for a couple of days and my old habits would normally turn that into a nobody-is-looking excuse to binge for two solid days. Instead I'm taking it as two days to firmly get myself into the right mind set again.

One last thing - I've decided to try to keep away from the scale again. That was a very important thing for me when I first started back in October. I have to get out of the habit of only watching the scale and instead start watching all my habits as the gauge for my improvement. I obsess over the scale and usually weigh myself a minimum of twice a day but usually three or four times a day. Sigh. Why, why, why? I'm having my daughter hide the scale from me until Tuesday. We'll see how it goes.

Emily

Shut-up you cry baby!

2009-07-13T08:57:00.002-06:00

This is what I'm saying to myself. Quit your whining, quit moaning, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Get over it! So you got sick (or injured, or tired, or depressed, or whatever). Does that mean that you have to throw away all you've worked for for one moment of oral satisfaction? Does it Emily? Is that who you want to be?

I go along, doing wonderfully for a week or so and then something get's thrown into the mix like the current problem of getting strep (or the previous lack of sleep or, prior to that, the whole kidney surgery thing) and I let that derail me and use it as an excuse to "baby" or "pamper" myself. How do I choose to pamper myself? By put large quantities of non-nutritious, fattening, crave-inducing foods and sitting around on my butt all day. What part of that is actually pampering? Sure, if I'm sick I may need to rest a bit more than normal but I also need healthy foods more than ever so that my body can heal. My treatment of myself has probably prolonged my tiredness/illness and I know it has made me feel worse, not better.

Today is a new day in a new week and it's time for me to get back to the place where I knew that my success would be made up of all the little moments. I can lie to myself and make excuses but in the end no one else will pay the price but me. Each moment that I make a good decision brings me one more step closer to my goal. No excuses will later be worth it. Will I even remember the pleasure of eating that extra helping at dinner or the junk food binge when a year has gone by? No! What I will remember is that I caved, that I didn't value myself enough and that I'm still stuck where I don't want to be. It's hard not to spend my time looking back and regretting the fact that I could have been so much farther along down this road if I had kept it together over the last couple of months. I can't do that, though. Instead I'm looking up and looking forward.

So, in each moment of each day I need to remember that I have a choice. What I do in this moment can either drag me down, leave me stagnant or push me forward into a new and better me. What am I going to do with this one moment?
Emily

Some great inspiration

2009-06-21T17:00:00.002-06:00

271 this morning, that means I've lost 7 pounds in 8 days. YAY!!!

Some things that I have changed:
*I'm eating about every two to three hours now. I make sure to stay away from sugar and white flour and I make sure to get protein and good carbs for every meal and every snack and lots of fruit and veggies. My current favorite snack - lowfat cottage cheese with fresh nectarines and a couple of whole wheat ritz crackers. Yummy!!

*Concentrate less on formal exercise (although definitely still trying to get it in) and more on being active all day long. No sitting at the computer for hours on end or making my kids run up and down the stairs for me when I need something. Get up and get it yourself, mom!

*Make sure that I spend some time each day on weight loss inspiration. Two of my favorite forms are before/after pictures online and watching "I Want to Save Your Life" on Oxygen. This site has great photos, at least hundreds if not thousands of them. They are of people who have had weight loss surgery but they are inspirational to anyone who is losing weight, no matter the method.

Have a great week everyone!
Emily

A Good Week

2009-06-19T09:19:00.002-06:00

So, to my horror, last week on Saturday I weighed in at 278, I had gained over 10 lbs back. Thankfully that gave me the push I needed to really get moving. I've done really well this week and I'm back down to 273. I'm feeling empowered again, strong and confident in my choices and in my ability to succeed.

Yesterday I was at the park for 12 hours helping with a homeschool event and it was so great to be able to walk back and forth all over the park, up and down hills, chasing after kids and taking care of things that needed to be done. I felt energetic and, well, peppy.

I'm so grateful for the renewed determination. I'm going to keep this momentum going. Today the kids and I are going to go do something fun and outdoorsy. I'm not sure what yet, maybe play frisbee at the park or a short hike or something. I'm looking forward to it.
Emily

Curves

2009-06-15T15:09:00.002-06:00

I went to Curves for the first time today. I wanted to try it out and see if it was something that I could do at least three times a week and get the workout I need. When I first walked in I was a bit worried. The people who work there and workout there all seemed a bit out of shape and most were at least fifty but here I am, 275 pounds so I figured, what the heck, it's worth a try. The entire workout is adjustable to your fitness level. Obviously I am not in good shape but I have been working out fairly regularly for the past six months so I was doing pretty well. It definitely was a workout and I can feel it in different muscle groups but while I was working out it didn't feel terribly strenuous. My heart rate stayed up and I worked up a sweat but I never felt completely out of breath. I jogged in place on the mats and tried to really work it during the strength training machines. I actually really liked it. I felt comfortable with the group and enjoyed it. It moved quickly and at the end of my 35 minutes I had gotten in my cardio and all my major muscle groups and stretched at the end. I think I would add crunches at the end along with the stretching for some abdominal work. I think that this will work for me for about a year and then, hopefully, I will have exceeded that fitness level and will need to move on to something more challenging. For now it would be great!

All in all I think this could be a great option for me. I'm praying for the money to be available so that I can sign up. The lady there is supposed to call me tomorrow when she finds out what their new deal is going to be so hopefully it will be good. It's normally $145 to sign up and $35 per month. Hopefully they can beat that.

So, if you haven't tried out Curves, you should give it a chance!
Emily

What I need...

2009-06-09T16:54:00.002-06:00

...every day to make me happy.

1 - I need excercise, some form or another
2 - I need time to study the scriptures and pray
3 - I need a shower and to be well groomed including hair and makeup
4 - I need meaningful interaction with my husband and each one of my children
5 - I need healthy, tasty food in the house
6 - I need to serve someone
7 - I need to develope my talents
8 - I need to get at least 6 hours of sleep (preferably 8)

Which of those things have I had today? Hmmm, a shower and grooming. Ummm, that's it. Not doing so well today.

I've been thinking about joining Curves for women. I like the idea of getting a complete workout every day. I don't have the knowledge to do it all on my own and hiring a trainer to work out with me every time is too expensive and just not realistic. I'm not sure where the money will come from for it yet. I've been praying that if it's the right thing, the money will come. So I'm waiting to see what happens. In the meantime my sister, Catherine, is helping me to get my eating more under control. I've really got to get it together. I have a VERY busy summer coming up and if I don't stay on top of things it will be way too easy to just lose control of everything all together - lose control of my eating, forget exercise, stop my study, ignore my children, etc. So, hence the list. Every day I've got to make sure that I get all 8 things into my life.

Wish me luck!
Emily

Oh.My.Word.

2009-06-04T14:04:00.006-06:00

Are you kidding me? I came across these pictures from last year. I work with a leadership education group called Knights of Freedom and each year I put on an event for 8-12 year old boys where they can learn about leadership through the model of Knighthood. It's an amazing event and I play the role of the Queen. Here is a pictures of me in my dress speaking to a group of boys.

I look so very, very huge!!!!

Here is me in that same dress at a Renn fair about a month ago.

Still fat but not nearly as bad. Whew! My goal is to not even be able to wear this dress by the time the event rolls around again at the end of August. That will be fantastic!!!!
Emily

Mmmm, yummy!

2009-06-01T12:42:00.003-06:00

A favorite recipe for healthy pancakes!! Who knew you could have healthy pancakes?

1 2/3 cup whole wheat flour
1/3 cup rolled oats (or wheat germ)
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
2 tablespoons honey
1 teaspoon salt
1/3 c apple sauce
2 1/2 cups buttermilk (or milk soured with lemon juice)
2 eggs, beaten
1 apple, grated
1/2 c chopped walnuts
1 tsp cinnamon

Blend the flour, oats, baking powder, baking soda, and salt with a whisk. Cut in apple sauce until the texture of coarse sand. Mix in honey, milk and eggs just until blended. Do not over-beat. Let the batter sit while you chop walnuts and grate the apple (I just wash the apple and then grate it on a cheese grater, skin and all) and then add and mix. Cook on a hot griddle with non-stick spray and serve with fresh fruit and/or pure maple syrup.

Tasty, filling and good for you!
Em

Driven to distraction!

2009-05-29T09:37:00.003-06:00

I am the most distractable person in the world! I feel ridiculous about it but I've been doing poorly the last few days and it finally came to me exactly what my problem is. My problem is TV and a stupid novel I've been reading. How sorry is it that I can be distracted from my goals by something so small and so, so...LAME! I decided to severly limit my TV time and to put away that dumb book that has no value whatsoever. I love reading in general but when I am reading books that are worth while they drive me to improve my life. This book was just driving me to lay on the couch all day and snack while reading. Grrr!

Why is it that you can be so grounded and devoted one minute and then turn around and feel completely lost the next? I'll tell you why - DISTRACTIONS! At least, that is the reason for me. I don't want to be that person that gets to the end of life and says, "well, I was really entertained in my life." and have that be it. I wan't to have impact! I want to create, do, fix, inspire someone or something.

So enough laying around. Enough!!!!
Emily

Before and Current - Pictures, Finally!

2009-05-24T21:11:00.007-06:00

I've been promising some before and now pictures for a long time. I never got the guts to do the swimsuit thing but at least here are a couple of pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Here are a couple of my most favorite (I say that with all the lie in my heart) before pictures. These are some of the shots that inspired me to really get serious about fixing this problem I have.

I love this one specifically for the back fat. Nice. I was about 305 lbs here.

I'm sure you can guess that I'm the one on the left.

This one shows off my chubby face. This was when I was at my heaviest - 312 lbs. In fact this was taken on the day after I started the twelve step program.

Now, today my husband took a picture when we were at the cemetery. I'm not claiming to be anywhere near my goal but I am still thrilled with the progress. I think you can see it in my back and my face the very most. I'm still not back down to 265 (where I was before I started backsliding) but I'm heading in the right direction again and I'm very happy with the improvements I've made.

I'm so proud of myself and so grateful for your support. I can't wait until I'm posting my pictures when I get down to 225. That is going to be a dramatic difference!
Em

Brutally Honest

2009-05-18T18:55:00.002-06:00

The last two months have been very, very difficult. I hadn't admitted it even to myself until Sunday when I weighed myself and I was back up to 274. That was depressing to say the least. At first I snacked my way through a bunch of Whoppers in reaction and then I took a long hard look at myself and admitted to myself that things really were as bad as all that but that I don't have to go down the same path anymore. Being brutally honest with myself, looking at myself hard in the face and admitting that I am out of control again, that I am binge eating again, that I am medicating myself with food again, that walking once a week just isn't going to cut it - admitting that all hurt badly at first. I kind of prayed for help but I didn't really make a concrete committment again, even at that point.

Later in the evening we went to my cousin's Eagle Scout Court of Honor and I spent a very frustrating hour dealing with two very loud little ones and trying to keep them quiet. I was frazzled by the end of the thing and then they opened up a section of the gym and revealed a large cookie/brownie buffet. Just what I needed. LOL. My frazzled, slightly depressed state was not conducive to avoiding that temptation and I was agonizing over it. I say there feeling bummed because it seemed I was faced with a choice between two options. Option #1 - don't eat any cookies or brownies and feel sorry for myself while I watch everyone else enjoying them. Get depressed and later give into temptation at home when no one is looking.
Options #2 - Give in. Have whatever I want. Wait until "tomorrow" to start again and then later feel like crap for giving in.
Then the thought, "This is SO HARD!" turned into, "Heavenly Father, this is SO HARD!" then that led me to pray, "Please help me to not want it." Suddenly I felt the edge leave, that craving turned into just a vague desire which was much easier to fight. Instead I just concentrated on making conversation and then got us the hack out of there. As I left the building I felt so powerful! How silly that may sound but it's life and death for me, nothing silly about it. Every temptation that avoid, every good choice that I make brings me more power and enables me to make ANOTHER good decision and avoid another temptation. That one good choice that I was empowered with led me to come home and make a healthy, light dinner with controlled portions. That led me to get up this morning and walk 3.34 miles. That led me to eat healthy and light all day. Each good choice I make helps the next choice to be that much easier.
I really appreciate all your prayers and support and kind words. I need it so much. I appreciate it when you call me on not updating. I need that, too. This is a war to save my heart, my health and my spirit and I feel like I've lost a few battles but this war isn't over yet.
Emily

My first 5K!!

2009-05-10T15:53:00.007-06:00

As you all know, last fall I set the goal to complete a 5K and yesterday was the day. I had asked my family to participate with me and, miraculously, all my sibligns were able to be there and we walked together. My original goal was to run it but due to my health concerns my training was delayed. I did, however, run the first tiny bit and the last tiny bit. Here we are right before the race.

The atmosphere was so amazing. There was a time when I looked ahead of me, up the hill, and saw literally thousands of people filling the road in front of me. It felt like we must be at the very back of the pack. A little later when we got to the top of the hill I looked back and there were thousands and THOUSANDS of people as far as the eye could see. It was so exhilerating and inspiring! I saw so many shirts with "in memory of" or "in celebration of" signs. Even more inspiring were those women in pink shirts, surrounded by their families who were walking in celebration of themselves and their battles with breast cancer. My family is one of those vere rare ones that really have not been personally affected by breast cancer, yet we still know the impact it has and that it affects so many around us. We were so happy to be participating in this worthy cause. In many ways, my own battle for my health was personified by this event. My struggle may not be with breast cancer but I was there as a monument to my fight for my own life and my family was surrounding me!

I felt really strong and capable during this walk and so encouraged by that feeling. It's been so rare for me to feel so positive about a physical activity. When we got to the 3 mile marker and knew that the finish line was just around the corner I allowed myself to already feel the victory!

My best time walking 5k in my neighborhood was 1 hr 9min. I was pretty sure I could beat that time with the momentum of being in a group so my goal was to finish in under an hour. When I crossed the finish line it was at 58 min. 34 sec. HOORAY!! I admit that I was a bit emotional. It wasn't like I had just run a marathon or anything but I had set a goal and I had accomplished it and my family had been there to support me. It felt so amazing. I know that it is just the beginning. Next year I will be running it without stopping. My siblings will be there with me again and this feeling can continue!

Next year we've decided we will all wear matchin hot pink bras on the outside of our clothes. Including my brother. He's a good sport. LOL.

Thank you to my sisters Amelia, Deborah, Catherine (who is 8 months pregnant and STILL shows me up), Alexis and my brother Andrew. Also to Donna and Felicia and Jasmine, our good friends who joined us. You guys rock!
Em

Up again, down again, jiggety jig

2009-05-05T17:06:00.002-06:00

I'm at 268.5 this morning. That's down 43.5. I got down to 265 two weeks ago then back up to 273.5 last week and now back to where I was. I've really been struggling to keep my focus and stay on track. I find that I'm much more easily tempted than I was a month or two ago. It's really been since my surgery that I've been struggling. This last week I've been doing much better. My 5K is on Saturday and I'm excited to go and participate with my two sisters. I've never done anything like that before. My original goal was to run it but the kidney problems derailed that big time. Now I'm just going to be happy to complete it in a decent time. My practice time has been about 1 hour and 9 minutes. I'm hoping to be under an hour. I think that with my sisters by my side I will definitely make it.

My weight goal is to be down to 259 by June 1st. I haven't been under 262 for 13 1/2 years. That is amazing! So wish me luck!
Emily

Come check it out!

2009-04-29T23:54:00.001-06:00

I started a new blog specifically to talk about the spiritual changes in my life. It's called The Lasting Change . Please come on over and let me know what you think and share your own story.
Em

Serenity Prayer

2009-04-14T12:24:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure if I'm quoting it exactly but here it is:

"Dear God please grant me the strength to accept that which I cannot control, the courage to change that which I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

This is an often repeated prayer for those going through the 12 step program in any type of addiction. I found myself needing it very much last night. My husband and I took the kids to see Monsters vs. Aliens for Family night last night. He took the kids into the theater while I got the popcorn. We were running a bit late so I was trying to hurry. Just as I was paying I got a call on my cell phone from the lady who bought the car we just sold. She was ranting and raving and accusing me of being dishonest because she was having a problem with the car. I tried to remain calm and to be understanding and handle the situation the best way possible but I did lose my patience a bit. I told her where I was and what my family was doing and that I would have to call her back after the movie. Then I hung up and allowed myself a few tears over the whole thing. Now enters my behavior that shows up in food and shopping and stressing and other negative things. For the rest of the movie I worried and worried and stressed and mulled it over. By the time we were done I was sure that I was going to have to drive an hour to her home and give her the money back and take back the car and have to try to sell it again (I knew there wasn't anything wrong with the car but just that she was high-strung). I was tied in knots. I ate way more popcorn than normal in an attempt to shove the bad feelings down. It was bad. I tried to think positively and picture everything happening as it should but it just seemed to take too much energy.

We got out of the movie and I told my husband all that had happened. He could tell I was really upset but he remained calm. "Have you been stewing over it this whole time?" He asked and I admitted that I had. Finally on the drive home it came to me how foolish I was being. I finally prayed that the Lord would handle this situation. It was out of my control so I didn't need to be stressing. If I can't control it I have to give it to God and let Him handle it. I prayed for the woman to be calmed and the problem to be resolved. I prayed that if I did need to take the car back that I would have the money needed to pay her back and to live on while we sold it again and I expressed my faith that He would help us to have an even better circumstance come along in that case. I felt a flood of peace and calm and I knew that everything would be all right.

When we got home Richard called her and sure enough, the problem was resolved (she didn't know she had to put her foot on the break to get the car out of park and thought that the transmission wasn't working). She felt a little foolish for freaking out at me and apologized and I felt foolish for letting her freak me out and for letting my own imagination work me all up to a frenzy.

The lesson here - I worry too much about things that are out of my control. I can't control whether someone likes me or not, I can only control how I treat them. I can't control any of the choices made by others, or the weather or the economy in general or people's opinions, etc. I can only control my reaction to them. In addition to that I can choose to remain calm when I don't know for a fact that a problem actually exists. I don't need to worry now about a decision that I only MIGHT have to make in the future. I'll handle it when it comes. In the meantime I can turn these "out of my control" things over to God. When I do this I reduce by at least half the amount of stress I am under and that reduces my temptations by at least 1/2 (since I stress eat and shop and worry).

I hope that this lesson I learned can help you to let it go, too. There is probably something that you are stewing about that you have no control over. Let it go. You can't fix it. You can only determine what course of action you will take, not the result and not the actions of others. It's okay. Give it to God and let Him handle the details. Breathe deeply and feel that peace that comes from the Savior. That is why He came to this earth and died for us.

I hope everyone had a Happy Easter!

Walking again

2009-04-13T12:31:00.002-06:00

The last day that I went walking was March 2nd. Then the kidney issues just got too bad and I was too ill to do much more than basic maintaining of life. After that was surgery then recovering from surgery then a sprained ankle and recovering from that. Next was a nasty stomach bug then a wedding. Now it's Monday - a new week. It's sunny outside and I went walking for the first time in over a month. It felt wonderful! The tulips and daffodils are blooming and so are many of the flowering trees in the area. A couple of people were mowing their lawns for the first time this season and the smell of cut grass was in the air. My ankle was doing well and I had more stamina than I thought I'd still have. Still, I took it a bit easy and only walked 1 1/2 miles, thinking it would be better to ease into it than to injure myself and keep myself away from exercising for the rest of the week. I'm so happy to be getting back into the game. It's a beautiful day!

Quit your WHINING!!

2009-04-01T08:54:00.002-06:00

It seems like my blog has been one long moan-fest. I never want to be that "downer" blog that is just full of complaining and excuses. The fact is that my health has been pretty bad lately with the kidney issues and the surgery and now (of all things) with a sprained ankle. Okay - those may be the facts on one side but I haven't been sharing all the wonderful growing experiences I've been having so here are some GREAT things happening over here.

#1 - I could have used my health as an excuse to go on vacation from making good healthy choices and, in fact, I did that for a couple of days until I realized (again) how much I hate how I feel when I'm treating myself like that. So I've been sticking to my healthy eating choices and I've been surprised to see that even with the enforced lack of exercise of continued to stay on track. I haven't lost any weight but I haven't gained any either. I range (as usual in a 4lb range) between 268 and 272 with most of my time spent in the 268-270 range. I'm very pleased with that. It means that when I've finally healed and can get back to exercising again that I will be poised and ready to just take off.

#2 - Never in my life before have a understood as well as I do know, just how to rely on the Savior to carry my burdens. I've heard that phrase before and I've always tried (well, not always, but frequently) but this is the first time in my life that I feel that I "get it". I now understand just what it means to lay our burdens at His feet and let Him carry them for me. It has been the most enlightening time in my life. Our trials really can bring us closer to God and bring us joy.

#3 - It's been so amazing to be able to see what wonderful husband, children, family and friends I really have. They have been so supportive, comforting, helpful and willing to serve. I am so blessed to be surrounded by an extensive support system and I feel truly that I am loved unconditionally. That is a blessing that I know many in this life don't get to feel and it makes me very appreciative of that blessing.

#4 - My continuing study of "He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" and of the scriptures is bringing my so much comfort and joy. I feel like my scripture study has opened up in a new way to me.

#5 - I feel, in general, like I am at the tipping point. I have this very strong feeling that this is a turning point in my life. There is something new and exciting on the horizon. I'm not sure what it is, exactly, but I feel it coming. I'm hoping that I will be ready for it, whatever it is going to be.

My ankle is beginning to feel better today. I'm feeling mostly healed from my surgery and related issues. I feel like I'm on the upward climb and all kinds of possibilities are on their way. So, NO MORE WHINING! I'm on the way back.

Wasn't I supposed to feel better?

2009-03-23T13:11:00.003-06:00

I'm only three days post-op but I really thought I'd be feeling better by now. I mean that evil kidney stone that has been messing with me for two and a half months is out so I should be on the mend, right? No, no, no. Well, I may be on the mend but I certainly feel worse than I did before. I'm so weary of all of the intense pain that Lortabs don't even touch. I've been trying to have the patient, cheerful disposition that I want so badly to emulate but I'm starting to disintegrate into whining and self-pity.

Be patient. That is what the Doctor basically said (in not so many words). That is what other helpful family members have said. I'm trying. I'm really trying and I'll do okay for a while, feeling like I'm getting better but then I have to pass more fragments of that darned kidney stone and it all has to pass through extremely sensitive and abused, inflamed areas (TMI - I know) and then the pain is so intense that I don't understand how I can still be concious. I mean, really, you should not be able to be concious through pain like that. Then when it finally passes I feel so completely drained that I can barely talk or think. Next comes that blissful in-between time. In between attacks. I think, maybe I won't have another attack. Maybe it's done now but in the back of my mind I'm worried that I have another round to go. Then the first twinge when I know that it's all building again. Then it hits and I'm so discouraged that I have to do this all AGAIN!

Right now I'm in the blissful in-between. I am hopeful that I will not have another attack. Maybe all the fragments are passed, right? Maybe the horrid pain is done. Right?

Okay, I'll try not to whine anymore. I'll really try.

Surgery is set

2009-03-18T15:44:00.002-06:00

Friday is the day. I'll be going in Friday morning. Everything is outpatient and should be fairly smooth but it's hard not to be nervous after you have to read their two pages of warnings about all the typical dangers of surgery and general anesthesia. The only other time I've been under general was surgery on my ankle during my senior year of high school - 17 1/2 years ago. I don't rememeber it with fondness.

I walked 3 miles on Monday and it wiped me completely out. I've realized I really do have to wait to get healed before I can push very hard with exercise. I'm eating really clean and enjoying the feeling of control that I've been having the last couple of days as I've continued to study that great book I mentioned in my last post. In fact I saw the 260's this morning for the first time in 10 years! 269.5. I'm completely thrilled!

I probably won't be posting for a couple of days. I'm trying to pull my house back together so that I can actually be comfortable in it during my recovery. Of course the family will just destroy it during that time while I'm not there to nag at them so then I'll just have to do this again in a week's time. Ah well. What can you do?

My inspired find

2009-03-17T10:46:00.002-06:00

About six weeks ago a friend recommended to me that I get the book "And He Did Deliver Me From Bondage" by Colleen C. Harrison. She told me that it was an LDS 12 step program and was the book that originally inspired the booklet on addictions put out by the church. That is the booklet I've been using. I filed the information away and said that I planned to get the book but then just never made it a priority. I was interested but not enough to take action. Then life took over with the Forum and my kidney problems continuing and I just basically forgot about it.

After the last two weeks of craziness I noticed (particularly on Friday and Saturday) that many of my old thought patterns and behaviors had crept back in. On Sunday I decided that I really needed some Heavenly help if I was going to keep moving forward instead of letting everything go and falling right back into the same bad life style. I decided to spend the day in fasting and prayer. I did feel renewed and revitalized. I felt again how much my Heavenly Father loves me and cares about my success. I realized again that when I rely on Jesus Christ moment to moment in my life that He keeps me on track and helps me to follow through with my good choices. I also received the impression that I needed to get that book right away. This time I listened. I went yesterday to Deseret Book and picked it up. I started reading right away as I sat in a variety of doctors offices through the day. I am here to tell you that THIS IS IT!

This book is going to change my life. No, let me re-word that. As I choose to follow the steps contained in this book I will learn to let the Savior change my heart which will cause a change in my life. I feel it so strongly that I can say it with absolute certainty. If I follow through all the steps I will be a new me. In fact, I'm already building that new me. I'm so excited to get to know that new person. I think she is going to be amazing!

So, if you are at all interested in changing your life forever through Jesus Christ please check out this book! It uses the 12 step program from AA combined with spiritual study from the New Testament and Book of Mormon and Latterday Prophets to help us to understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ and change our lives. It involved lots of reading and writing in a journal. It's what I've been needing.

So, weight update. I had gained 4 pounds back over the last couple of weeks. I've lost those four pounds plus one. I'm at 271 - down 41 pounds. My goal, weight-wise, is to be in the 260's by the end of the week. I have two more pounds to go to reach that goal this week.

My goal spiritually is to complete my reading and writing assignments every day this week and to pray sincerely for help each morning before I begin the busyness of the day.

One last update - I saw the specialist yesterday and will be there again today. I will have to have a minor surgery coming up within the next seven days. I'll keep you posted on when. My guess is Friday or Monday. I'd appreciate your prayers on my behalf and for my family as well.
Thanks!

Whew!

2009-03-14T09:49:00.002-06:00

Here I am - back finally. I feel like I've been on a foreign planet and just now returning to earth.

First of all - the pictures are still coming. I promise to get them up quickly. I'm still not sure if I dare to post swim suite pics but will at least post some "before" and "now" pictures.

Okay, so my update: I've been very ill with continuing kidney problems. Finally on Monday I went in for a CT scan. It took days but we finally got the results. I have a 6mm kidney stone blocking one of my ureters which causes everything to back up into my kidney until finally it breakes through and I have relief and feel better for a few days to a week or so and then I do it all again. My Dr. referred me to a urologist so I have to wait until Monday to even try to get an appt and then it will be more waiting and more waiting. Grrr. This is a maddeningly slow process. The good new, however, is that I know what is wrong with me and it is fixable and that is major turn in the right direction. I was equally terrified that I would either find I had cancer or something like that or (maybe worse) that they still wouldn't be able to figure out what is wrong with me. I'm very relieved. Still, in the meantime I never know when I'm going to have a good day or a bad day and the bad days range from pain and mild illness (nausea, tiredness, dizziness and general weakness) to extreme pain and extreme illness with all those symptoms comletely laying me out. Last week was really, really bad.

In addition to my health problems I've been extremely busy in my capacity as the registrar for the Thomas Jefferson Education Forum . The event was last weekend and everything went amazingly well. I'm pretty much recovered from that. It was an amazing experience and I was very gratified to know that I had a hand in each and every one of the nearly 1000 people who attended.

So with all that has been going on I've lost no weight but I haven't gained any either. I'm okay with that but totally ready to move on from here. Yesterday DH and I went for a nice long walk in the morning and then we took the kids to the zoo and walked all over that hilly terrain for another couple of hours. I was so happy to see how much energy I have (yesterday was a good health day for me) and how much easier it is for me to walk around the zoo without it killing me off.

I'll get those pictures posted and be better about updating. Thank you for all your support and kind words and prayers for me and my health! I love you!

Notice anything new in my sidebar?

2009-02-22T15:24:00.002-07:00

Yes, it would be 40lbs lost!!! Yay!! I'm 272 today. Now usually I lose down to a new weight then I go back a forth for a couple of days then finally settle into that weight so I expect that will happen here but I'm counting it since I saw it on the scale. YAY!

I'm planning on posting some pictures - finally. I just ordered a new swim suit since is way too big. When it comes I'll post some excrutiatingly embarrassing before and now pictures.
Em

Looking for Em.

2009-02-20T12:13:00.002-07:00

Has anyone seen Emily? It's been forever since I heard from her. Lately there has just been this weird look-a-like walking around the house wearing her clothes. I'm sure it's not actually Emily, after all, Emily would never eat three cream filled doughnuts in quick succession or say that she's too tired to go for a walk in the GORGEOUS sun we've been having here. It must be a body snatcher!! Quick, get help! It's an emergency!!!

Okay, all joking aside. It's been a bad week and I mean bad in the everybodyinmyfamilyissickandIhaven'tsleptmorethanthreehoursanightand
I'vebeentotallyoutofcontrolwithmyeatingandfreakiningoutstressed
kind of week. This morning I woke up and said, "ENOUGH!! Back you foul fiends of the fat under world. I refuse to give into your lusty, chocolate temptations and will instead eat lowfat oatmeal and walk like my life depends on it!" Ah, I am a power to be reckoned with once again.

Luckily, in all of this stress and sleep-deprivation induced weakness I haven't gained any weight back. I'm still at 273.5 - down 38.5 pounds. I am just beginning again.
Em

Biggest Loser Epiphany

2009-02-07T19:48:00.003-07:00

I know that this show is really inspirational for many people and really annoying to others. For me it's definitely the former. I find that every week, when Tuesday rolls around I am ready for some butt-kickin' drama and excitement, but mostly excited because I know that I will gain more insight into myself.

Last season the big change came for me when Colleen had to face her fear of heights and I realized that this journey isn't just about getting to a smaller size. It's about facing our fears and our demons and becoming willing to step outside our comfort zones. That episode brought up a lot of emotion and tension in me and was instrumental in prodding me into this change that I am working on.

This last Tuesday there was a moment when Aubri (who I really love) had only lost 2 pounds in the last 30 days. You could tell that she was trying to be positive in the face of abysmal results and she made some comments about gaining muscle and stamina and that the weight might not have come off but she had still made changes. I was thinking, that's right, you stay positive. Then Jillian and Bob started rolling their eyes. They said, don't believe that garbage. You lost two pounds. There isn't any muscle. You just lost two pounds. It is what it is. Don't sugar coat it. Accept it and move forward and make it better.

At first I was kind of upset. I mean, they had just gotten done rolling their eyes at the people who were crying over not losing 40 pounds in a month and now they have someone who is trying to stay positive and they are annoyed with her, too. Then I started to see the pitfall that they were trying to teach the contestants about.

I frequently fall into one of two mind sets. The first is the whiner. I'm working so hard, wah wah, why am not losing more weight???? The second is the false-positive-thinker. That's okay, I'm gaining muscle, I'm making invisible changes. These are both lies.

Now, before you start freaking out please don't misunderstand me. There are definitely MILLIONS of positive changes that happen in my life that are not reflected by a number on the scale and I definitely want to acknowledge and be grateful for everyone. But that is not what I'm referring to. What I'm talking about are the excuses that I make to justify my lack of success when I know that I haven't done all that I should do. The last part of that statement is the most critical. The truth is what makes things REALLY change. When I accept that I get out of my day exactly what I put into it, that my weight may go up and down a bit each day but that I only will see a general downward trend when I am putting in the time at workouts and eating right. There is no other excuse. Those little ups and down on a daily basis are not what I'm referring to here, but the overall movement from obese to fit.

I hope that I've been able to write this in a way that makes sense to everyone else but at least it makes sense to me. Thank you Bob and Jillian for another painful but transformational lesson. No excuses, don't sugar coat it. No whining, don't panic over yesterday or last month or earlier this morning. Just accept where you are and decide to move forward.

Accept where you are and decided to move forward. For the last three months I've been telling myself that it's okay to have a bad day just stay on the path. Now, I'm not going to beat myself up over a bad day but I have realized something. There is no standing still on this path. There is only moving forward or moving backward. So that is the question. Will I move forward today? Now? In this moment? Or will I move backward today? Now? In this moment?

Today I choose forward. I choose to accept responsibility for what I put into my body (like that three-bite brownie I ate after breakfast today). I will choose to work out E.V.E.R.Y. D.A.Y! I will acknowledge that when I have success it is because God has helped me to make the right choices. This isn't a game of chance. In the end if I do well it's because I make right choices. If I don't lose weight it's because I made poor choices.

Today is a forward day!

Happy Anniversary to Me!!

2009-01-28T16:25:00.003-07:00

Today is my three month anniversary. That's right. I've been steadily working without giving up for three months. I've never, ever stuck with a healthy lifestyle for this long. The closest I came was two and a half months but it was half-hearted and I was just gritting my teeth through it. I feel so happy for me!

In addition to making it through three months I've also burst through my first big plateau. I say first because I know I will face others down the road but this one has given me the experience to know that I can just keep going and it will come to an end. I'm finally down 2.5 more lbs to 275.5 and have been for three days. That means I've lost 36.5 pounds in 3 months. I'm feeling renewed and invigorated. It's helped me to step up the intensity of my workouts and to have that extra strength when it comes to food temptations.

As a reward for my anniversary I bought myself a pair of jeans that actually fit! YAY! I also bought myself a cute top that fits! YAY! Notice that there is no food mentioned in that reward...a tribute to the new me.

My faith is strengthened through this experience. I've never felt closer to my Heavenly Father and I'm doing my best to keep that relationship the focus of my journey. I pray more, study the scriptures more and contemplate more. That is what it really is about. We talk all the time, we "dieters", about all the things to stay away from. "count your calories", "stay away from sugar, stay away from fat" don't eat this and don't eat that. In what way can that be positive???? Through all of this, when I'm doing the best, it's because I'm concentrating on what I SHOULD be doing, not what I SHOULDN'T. I concentrate on making sure that I'm eating lots of foods rich in nutrients and fiber, in giving my body the exercise it craves, on feeding my Spirit through study and prayer and on nurturing the relationships in my life. When I do that the cravings are mild and background, the temptation totally manageable and the hope burns strong.

To any of you that may be struggling this week I would just urge you to take time to do three simple things, eat something healthy for you, something like fresh berries or cherries or a baked sweet potato with cinammon even if it's over your calorie count because you've "messed up" for the day then take a walk outside, even if it's cold and it's only to the mailbox, then, most importantly, get on your knees and thank God for the blessings in your life. Even if it's a horrible day you can think of five at least. You WILL feel better and it will empower you to continue making the right choices.

Thank you to all of you for your support through this. I LOVE YOU!!!

A new day - a new week

2009-01-25T09:01:00.002-07:00

After all the craziness with kidney problems and then getting a nasty chest cold (thank you very much, inversion) I really just needed a week off of my cardio. I don't like to do that because I'm always afraid that a week off will turn into two weeks then a month and then hello 300+lbs. Well I haven't done cardio since Tuesday and I'm ready and chomping at the bit to start again. I LOVE that my body WANTS to exercise now. Okay, it probably always wanted to but I couldn't hear it over the chocolate screaming at me. So I'll be starting again tomorrow (today is the Sabbath and I don't work out on the Sabbath). I was at the grocery store last night, late with both the little kids and that is usually a recipe for disaster but not last night. I felt in control and not even tempted by all the junk at least not enough for it to be a battle. I would notice the displays of food set out to tempt all Superbowl shoppers, chips, candies, etc. but it just didn't reach the part of me that REALLY cared.

I've removed the scale from my bathroom again. I figured I needed to take some time to just concentrate on making all the right choices and stop obsessing about 278, 278, 278. I'll weigh again in a couple of days but in the meantime I'm just so happy to be where I am and working where I'm working. I'm happy to be feeling healthier and more vivacious and vital, to be wearing a smaller size and feeling a bit sexier and sassier. I'm happy to be playing with my kids more and getting through January in a much better mental place than I have in years.

Now, don't confuse happy with complacent. I'm not complacent. I'm not settling. I'm just giving myself permission to be happy with me where I am now while still working toward better. That is one of the best gifts I've given myself since I started this journey three months ago.

In fact, Wednesday will be the three month anniversary of my decision to change my life forever. I don't think I've ever stuck with anything healthwise this long. I've never lost this much weight or lasted three whole months before. Sad but true but it really makes me feel victorious! I'm winning the battle. I'm going to have to do something fun to celebrate. Maybe I'll go get a mani/pedi or something like that. Hmmm...now that is a nice thought.

So for all of you who have been so supportive through this journey so far and especially through this last part that's been really hard, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I really could not have done it without you. I still need you and I'm still going stron so stick with me!

Here's to a new day and a new week and a new phase for me!

GRRRRR!!!!!!!

2009-01-17T12:16:00.002-07:00

Okay, didn't break through. I was down a half a pound then up a pound then down 2 pounds then up a pound and a half. The result? I'm right back at 278!!!! Again! Two weeks! This week I have increased my exercise intensity and time, I have added in more lean proteins and a TON of veggies and fruit and tried to weed out any hidden sugars and fats that I didn't know about. Still - stuck for two straight weeks.

Now I AM proud of myself for not giving up. Old diet-girl-me would have thrown in the towel a week ago and been already binge-bingeing away on chocolate, pizza, carbs - just anything I could get my hands on with the idea that apparently it didn't matter what I did, I was just not going to lose anything. Not now, I'm still hanging in there just trying to figure out how to bust through!

I'm going to do some research and a lot of prayer. I know that God knows what I need to do I just have to figure out His will for me and it will work. I could sure use some encouraging prayers though. So please send one up for me.

Em
ps- update on kidney issues: I'm scheduled for a renal ultrasound next Friday to check for anything that could possibly be wrong but since Wednesday, the day of my Dr. appt., I've been feeling so much better. I haven't had any kidney pain in two and a half days. Maybe things have just finally worked through. I'm still going to have the ultrasound just in case but I'm feeling much better in the mean time. Yay! Tonight is also the last night of performances so I'm going to be feeling free and easy next week. Everything has gone beautifully with them and I'm very happy to have been involved. Thank you to everyone who has come and supported Richard and I!

Breaking through

2009-01-14T09:42:00.002-07:00

I haven't posted in 5 days. I've been still dealing with kidney problems. I'm still not positive why everything is so messed up. I'm going to the Dr. again today. Hopefully he can help me get better. I'm also performing in a church production this week and have been really busy with rehearsals and so on. Our final dress rehearsal is tonight then we perform Thursday, Friday and Saturday. All in all things have been a bit crazy.

I've been stuck at the same weight since a week ago Sunday. 278. 34 pounds down. Finally today I was down another 1/2 pound. YAY! I'm determined to bust through this stall. I'm adding in more strength training and focusing intensly on water and fruits and veggies this week. I'd really like to see 275 this week!

Still, everything going on I'm just happy to have continued with exercising, eating well and not gaining any weight.
Em

Amazing healthy cookies

2009-01-09T08:39:00.002-07:00

This is a recipe I created and, darn if they aren't good.

I wanted to make a cookie like you would find at the trendy health food stores - huge and full of tons of fiber and nutrients. These aren't supposed to just be a "diet" food by just avoiding calories/fat but is supposed to actually help nourish you. I plan on adding flax seed to them next time. (Note: Sucanat is a natural sweetener that is made from sugar cane but is the first process so it actually has to be digested and metabolizes differently from sugar - simlar in that regard to 100% maple syrup or raw honey. If you don't have it you can just use all brown sugar but that will decrease their nutritional value.)

Granola Cookies

1/4 cup butter
1/2 cup applesauce
3/4 cup sucanat
1/2 c brown sugar
1 egg
1 tsp. vanilla
(cream all above ingredients together)
1 1/4 c whole wheat flour
3/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/4 cup rolled oats
(mix the above 5 ingredients together then add to other ingredients and mix well)
Add
3/4 c dried cherries (or craisins)
3/4 c walnuts
1 cup dark chocolate chips or chunks
3/4 cup flaked organic coconut

Scoop with an ice cream scoop then press down. Bake on greased cookie sheet, 6 at a time, at 325 for 18 minutes. Cool on a wire rack. Makes about 16 giant cookies.

Yummy!
Emily

The escalator

2009-01-09T08:17:00.002-07:00

I've been steadily working, thinking I'm climbing but finding myself still standing in the same spot. Up a pound, down a pound, up a pound, down a pound. It's a bit frustrating. I'm still not fully recovered and have no energy. I think I'm being patient and then one day it all hits me. GRRR!! I want to keep losing! LOL.

Okay, breathe in-breathe out. Peace. Calm. All right, I'm fine. It's lame that I freak out and start using the word "plateau" when it's only been four days at this weight.

Hangin' in there.
Em

Being sick - the benefits

2009-01-05T11:14:00.002-07:00

Well, it's definitely NOT my method of choice and I wouldn't recommend it for anyone else but if you have to be sick with a nasty stomach bug and then immediatly afterward go through the process of passing a kidney stone then at least you should be able to show a weight loss for it.

Today I'm at 278 - 34lbs down. That makes me happy. I'm also happy that the pain is gone and I haven't puked or *anything else* for almost 24 hours. I got on the treadmill today but only made it 20 minutes with one 1min. running stint before being totally done. That's okay by me. I'll take that 20 minutes, thank you very much. It's a start back to feeling normal.

I haven't been this low for at least 5 years. Yay for me!
Em

The good the bad and the ugly.

2009-01-04T16:27:00.002-07:00

The good - I've lost 30 lbs!! Hooray for me! I'm so happy!!!!

The bad - I've been sick for the past couple of days with a lovely stomach bug. Yuck!

The ugly - I'm having a kidney stone attack (I believe). It's my first time but it's following exactly what I've heard described. I'm currently not in pain thanks to Darvocet. Horrid and extremely painful beyond belief.

I'll update more later.
Em

An epiphany

2009-01-02T08:41:00.002-07:00

I did a lot of thinking and praying and contemplating yesterday about my goals. I'm very excited about my 5k goal - more excited than I've ever been about anything to do with fitness. I'm also extremely intimidated by it but not going to let that stop me. I've been so focused on the weight loss recently. I LOVE the weight loss. I NEED the weight loss but I also realized (again) yesterday that if I only focus on that then I will fail. I have to focus on the reasons that I eat. I started this journey as fighting my food addiction. That has to continue to be my focus. I also need to focus on the changes in my life that are not measured by numbers. Things like the increased energy I have, the lessening of joint pain and back pain, the fact that I'm a much nicer person when I feel good about myself and I'm off all that sugar. When I focus on these things then the scale is only one tiny part of a huge equation.

Today my goal is to get back to analyzing why I'm eating not necessarily so much what I'm eating (although I'm still staying away from junk) and I'll be doing my best to listen to the Spirit's promptings about what I need to do.

Thanks for all the support and encouragement!
Em

Sigh* - Complacency

2009-01-01T10:27:00.002-07:00

I didn't make it. I actually gained two pounds for some bizarre reason. I ate right, I excercised. It was probably water. Well, that was okay because even though I loved the idea of making it by the end of the year it really doesn't matter if it's a day or a week or a month later - I'll get there eventually. I believe that now but yesterday I was discouraged, distracted and surrounded by so much temptation that I caved in. It's not so much the calories or the fat grams but the fact that I found myself at my Aunts, standing by the food table and snacking, snacking, snacking. My kids wanted to show me how great they were doing at Rock Band on the Wii and I caught myself feeling reluctant to walk away from the crackers and cheese ball. At that point I really lost control (briefly) and ate three mini candy bars as fast as I could shove them in. Again, I know that I didn't binge like I would have a few months ago but I gave into that panic feeling and ate in that emotional way. Now I'm up another pound today. Back to 285.5. Down 26.5.

Don't worry. I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm facing it, being honest about it, analyzing it for future reference then forgiving myself and staying on track. I know that I will stumble but I can always get back up. Just like the other day when I fell off the treadmill. LOL. I was tempted to let that be the end of my workout for the day but I got back on and did seven more intense minutes. So now I'm back on track with renewed understanding because I realize how important it is for me to not let my guard down, to not get complacent and to stay humble and reliant on God's help!

So, here is to the New Year. 2009 is MY year. It's the year that I'm going to show God how grateful I am for the gift he has given me in this body. This body has given birth to four lovely children. It's nourished them through their first months/years of life. It's the body that I comfort them with when they are hurt or sad and the body that works to feed and care for them from day to day. This is the only body that I have. Without it I wouldn't be here! LOL. I love my body - not necessarily what I've done to it, but this body is a gift! This year I'm going to show myself how important I am by putting myself first from time to time, by treating myself with true love, not the artificial, one-night-stand kind of love I was giving it by eating such garbage. By loving myself and going through this healing process I will be a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and Child of God. I will be able to serve Him better. 2009 is my year!

I pray for you all that read and comment on my blog that are struggling with this issue yourselves. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. 2009 is your year, too!
Em

A half a pound!

2008-12-30T11:05:00.002-07:00

A half a pound to go to my goal - by tomorrow. Hold your breath, cross your fingers and say a prayer for me!

Em

An amazing quote that inspires me

2008-12-29T12:13:00.003-07:00

"The Lord works from the inside out. The world works from the outside in. The world would take people out of the slums. Christ takes the slums out of the poeple, and then they take themselves out of the slums. The world would mold men by changing their environment. Christ changes men, who then change their environment. The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature...

May we be convinced that Jesus is the Christ, choose to follow Him, be changed for Him, captained by Him, consumed in Him and born again." (from the LDS General Conference, Oct. 1985)

I love this quote because it proves why diets and exercise programs can't change you for good. They are working from the outside in - trying to change environment, behavior, habits. All those things need to change but first I need to change then I naturally change all those things. That sounds so overwhelming. How can I become a completely different person? How can I change myself? Guess, what. I CAN'T. But Christ can.

That is what is happening in my life and that is why

I'm losing it.

Em

Sunday Update

2008-12-28T12:22:00.002-07:00

Today I weighed in at 283.5. I'm down 28.5lbs total so far. I actually got down to 283 on Christmas Eve but I figure that half a pound up after the holiday is okay. Moving on now. My goal is to be down to 282 by Wednesday - 30lbs by the end of the year. It's hard not to focus too much on how far I still have to go but I'm just making small goals and trying to keep on going.

My goals:
282 by the end of 2008
270 by the end of January 2009
259 by the March 6 2009 (DH's birthday - I haven't been that weight for over 13 years!)
245 by April 19th, 2009 (DS#1's birthday)
240 by May 9th, 2009 and run in the Race for the Cure 5K.

That's it for now. I think that's plenty. I have lots of work to do but I can do it as long as I remember to stay humble and rely on the Lord.

I'm losing it!
Em

My Treadmill Miracle

2008-12-27T22:30:00.002-07:00

As I mentioned in my last post I've really been NEEDING a treadmill but had not the wherewithall to purchase one. I checked out Craigslist and Freecycle to no avail and local classifieds, etc. I was feeling a little discouraged but I decided to just pray about it. I prayed that I'd be able to get a treadmill without going into debt since I really felt it would help me along toward my goal. I felt immediately inspired to email a certain email list of local friends to ask if anyone had an unused treamill that they will be willing to give/sell/loan to me. I got a response back within the hour that a friend who lives just 15 min. away had a treadmill in her garage that I was welcome to have. It was stuck on an incline but it still worked. Well I was all over that!

We picked it up today. It sure was stuck on an incline - the maximum. Thankfully I have the handiest hubby around and he got it stuck on the flat setting. He'll look into fixing the electronics of it later. Now I have a free, working treadmill sitting in my family room and I had my first mini-workout on it. I can walk, walk, walk but I was dismayed to see that I can only run on it for two minutes. That's okay, though. I'll do two and a half next time and then three and then by May I'll run that 5k.

Heavenly Father DOES ANSWER PRAYERS! Have you been really struggling with something? Have you thought to ask in prayer for help with receiving it? No matter how small or insignificant or how big and overwhelming it is you just need to ask with Faith that you will receive! I believe that with all my heart. Test it out and see if it isn't true!

I'm losing it!

I'm dreaming of a treadmill

2008-12-26T16:48:00.004-07:00

I literally have dreams at night of having a treadmill, just running and getting all sweaty on my very own, paid-for treamill. The image pops into my head periodically throughout the day. I really NEED A TREADMILL!! Having little ones it is very hard to get out to exercise and I've realized that if I have to wait to go somewhere to exercise then it isn't going to happen every day. I have to be able to do it at home. So I'm doing yoga (or some version of it not before seen on this planet, thanks to my complete inability to do a real sun salutation) three times a week and trying to get some form of cardio in at least five times per week. That is very difficult when I'm stuck in the house and have no TREADMILL. I literally run around in circles in my house for a half hour a day. It works. I sweat. I get a-breathin' heavily. Still, I'm getting pretty tired of it. I hate it when I run out of floor space and hit the wall face first. Okay, just kidding. I don't actually hit the wall but still, it's frustrating. So I guess that frustration is taking itself out in my dreams where I get to run and run and run and never hit the wall - at least not the physical wall of the room.

I've researched treamills and I can get a pretty good one for about $450 but that is a lot of money when I've just spent more than I should on Christmas for my kiddos and money is already very tight. I need my own personal Treadmill Bailout Plan. Well, I'll still looking and not going to let it stop me from exercising. I got a yoga "workout" in this morning then shoveled snow for a bit (we got a foot of the stuff here in the last 24 hours) then did about 11 minutes of cardio before DD#2 (8 months old) melted down completely and needed a nap. Still feeling pretty good about it all.

I actually didn't completely lose it over Christmas. I had some little treats but I was shocked at how unwell the sugary punch and fatty cheese ball with crackers made me feel. I got a horrible headache and felt nauseated. It was surprising considering how much sugar I could eat at a time without even noticing. Now I have one glass of punch and I'm ill. Weird. COOL!

I didn't weigh in today, just in case it would be bad news I didn't want to see it. I'm back on track anyway so no point in being depressed for no reason. I'll weigh in tomorrow and we'll see if I have some more ground to make up.

One great thing that happened over the holiday, I talked to my brother and sisters and we decided that we are all going to do the Race for the Cure in May. It's a 5k (3.2 miles) and my goal is to RUN it! Woo hoo! My family is so amazingly supportive. My sisters, my brother, my parents, my grandpa, my brothers-in-law and especially my husband! They all are so proud of me and are so wonderful to come up with more ways to help me. My sisters made the most delicious desserts that were all with fresh fruits and whole grains etc. They tasted wonderfully decadent. I loved the apple dessert that was made but especially the fresh berry, flax-seed-granola, yogurt parfait bar. Mmmmmm. Yummy! I love you guys!

I'm losing it!

Christmas wishes for you

2008-12-24T09:22:00.002-07:00

I wish you all a joyful Christmas as you celebrate the birth of Christ, our Savior. I pray that you may feel His love in your heart and know just how valuable you are!

I'm trying to focus on that instead of stressing about all the food that will be coming my way even more during the next few days than at any other time of the year. I will take it moment by moment and listen to the Spirit for promptings about what I can do. God always believes in me more than I believe in myself. I lost another pound and it still surprises me every time.

27.5 down. 2.5 more to go by the end of the year. Lots more to go after that. LOL.

Have a most Merry, Happy Christmas!

My Program

2008-12-22T09:47:00.004-07:00

Some of you have asked what the program is that I'm using. I'm posting a link to it here. There is a free PDF document of the entire booklet. It's very simple and very effective if you follow it with an open heart and true honesty.

I'm losing it.

I cheated

2008-12-22T08:49:00.003-07:00

No, not on my food or my excercise but on weighing in. I just wasn't satisfied with my Thursday weigh in so I caved and weighed in again on Saturday morning. I was down two more pounds! Hooray! I feel so much better about that! That is a total down of 26.5. I'm at 285.5. If you had told me ten years ago that I would be happy to be at 285.5 I would have laughed in your face but I AM happy. I'm not ready to quit by any means. LOL. But I really do feel a difference in my body. I feel lighter, smaller already. I have 3.5 to go by December 31st. I can totally do it!

Thank you again for all of your support!
I'm losing it!
Em

You were the answer!

2008-12-18T12:22:00.003-07:00

I weighed in this morning and I was down only 1 pound. 287.5, 24.5 lbs lost. I had to cancel my meeting this morning because of DS1's christmas program at school so I've been feeling down about things today. I had a healthy breakfast and a healthy lunch where I narrowly escaped pigging out. I haven't excercised so far today. I know I'm very dehydrated and that is a consistent problem with me - never getting enough water. Anyway, I feel like I've been the victim of an offensive onslaught of negative suggestions being whispered in my ear. Things like, "See, this is really hard. You can't do it. Just go grab the kids treats and pig out." Or, "Chocolate, mmmmmm, chocolate."

So, I bow my head and pray. "Heavenly Father, this is so hard. I'm discouraged. I haven't been excercising every day. I want to eat all the sugar I can find. I'm struggling right now. Please, please help me to stay strong." Then I get on my blog and find that I have five comments from people who have said that they are inspired by what I am doing. Wow! You guys just answered a prayer. Did you know that?

Now I am typing with tears in my eyes because Heavenly Father loves me enough to send people my way who love me enough to support me and help me through. Thank you to Heavenly Father and thank you to my friends and family!

I'm still hanging in there. I'm strong and
I'm losing it!
Emily

New weigh in day

2008-12-11T09:16:00.003-07:00

I decided to change my weigh in day to Thursdays since that is when I have my little "addiction recovery" meeting at my house. So the results are in. I've lost another 2.5 lbs making it a total loss of 23.5 pounds in 42 days. I'm down to 288.5 (yay, under 290!). I'm just thrilled!

Every time that I see a little more weight loss I realize how amazing this process is. Here is a brief illustration in the difference between this time around and all the other times I've tried to lose weight. In the past when I've tried to rely on willpower and diets I've been feeling grim and desperate. I HAVE to lose this weight and when I do I'll be happier. Now I fell happy and strong and beautiful right now and know that will only get more intense as time goes on. Before, if I've ever tried to rely on faith to help me through it's been something like this. "Dear Heavenly Father, please, please, please make me thin. Help me to not be fat anymore!!!" Again, desperate and grim and then I would turn around and eat because I didn't have faith that Heavenly Father would help me and I didn't really know how to make it work.

Here is me now: "Heavenly Father, I really am so painfully tempted to eat_________ please help me to resist the urge and stay strong." And He does. Or I'll say, "Heavenly Father, I'm so tired and it's so hard to keep walking. Please help me to finish strong and walk for 10 more minutes." And He does. HE always does. I can't describe to you in words how empowering that is. I am still the one making the choice to stay away from the junk, to eat healthy whole foods and to excercise but He is the one who gives me the strength to stick to that choice when I am wavering. I am so very grateful.

I'm losing it!
Em

40 Days

2008-12-08T15:17:00.002-07:00

In honor of my fortieth day of changing my life here is a quick list of forty things that are different in my life as I live free from addiction or will be different when I reach my goal weight.

Starting Now:
1-More Energy
2-Less Headaches
3-Less Back pain
4-I'm less grumpy with my kids
5-I have more compassion for others dealing with any kind of burden
6-I feel hope
7-I'm proud of myself
8-my pants don't fit
9-I'm wearing a size smaller already
10-I pray constantly
11-I'm closer to my Savior
12-I take time for myself
13-my family is eating lots of vegetables, fruits and whole grains
14-I no longer feel enslaved by caffeine or chocolate
15-I'm excited for the future
16-I think I may actually have a waist at some point
17-I'm making bigger plans and dreaming bigger dreams
18-I spend less money on junk food and clothes, trying to make myself feel better for being fat
19-I'm beginning to understand the Atonement in a way I never have before
20-I'm sharing my journey with my husband instead of hiding it away in shame

When I reach my goal weight:
1-I'll take ballroom dancing lessons
2-I'll wear a bathing suit and not be disgusted
3-I'll be less of a klutz - or at least get injured less when I do something klutzy
4-No fear of airplane seat belts not fitting
5-I'll no longer be the "fat girl" in any given group
6-My feet won't hurt all the time
7-I'll shop at a regular store and wear a regular size
8-I'll go on a backpacking trip
9-I won't look at a lawn chair and worry that I'll break it by sitting in it
10-I'll wear amazing, sexy shoes all the time
11-I'm going to run at least a half-marathon
12- I'm going to run. Period.
13- I'm going to get plastic surgery and feel no guilt.
14- I'll show off to people I haven't seen in a while.
15- I'll ride bikes with my kids
16- I'll play baseball, basketball, soccer, go swimming, etc. with my kids
17-I'll no longer be bigger than my thin husband
18- I'll be GORGEOUS!
19- I'll share what I have learned with others and help them to change their lives, too.
20- I'll be (and I am) infinitely grateful to my Heavenly Father for carrying me through and I'll never give it up again!

I'm 21 pounds down and
I'm losing it!
Em

What happens when I rely only on me

2008-12-06T19:01:00.002-07:00

Thursday evening - a chocolate fountain at a church dinner was calling my name. I had told myself before hand that I could have a little bit and not feel guilty. As I sat there just after eating dinner and doing great at keeping control the thought came to my head, "I don't really need that chocolate." "But wait!," I told myself, "I said that I could have a treat. It's okay." I went ahead and had some chocolate with fruit and a pretzel and a marshmallow. Not a huge serving. Nothing to worry about, right? Except that everyday since then, Friday, today, it's been harder to resist sweets. I'd been doing so well and not really even craving it that much any more. I'd almost had no chocolate in over a month and now it's calling my name constantly! I've done pretty well all things considered but my weight did go back up a couple of pounds.

Friday - same thing. A party ('tis the season, right?) and a chocolate cream pie and sugary punch. I caved. I passed up the fatty cheesy brocolli soup for the virtually non-fat chicken noodle soup with whole wheat noodles. But the sugar got me.

Today - I just finished making whole wheat chocolate chip cookie bars (low-fat) for a family party at my parents house tomorrow night and they are sitting my kitchen calling my name.

The big point of this long ramble is that I needed to listen to that prompting of the Spirit. If I had avoided the chocolate fountain (I was fine avoiding it, too - I just ate it because I had told myself before I went that I could) then I would probably not be having such a hard time now. I was relying on my own knowledge and my "policy" that I had made. The Spirit should be my guide, not my own preconceived notions.

Another issue - it is so HARD to excercise with little kids. I've used that as my excuse many times in my life before but always it was because I couldn't get to the gym. Now I'm actually finding it almost impossible to have 3o minutes of time to run in place in my room without tripping over a baby or breaking up a fight between DD#1 and DS#2. Why is it that my baby poops every time I start doing aerobics? I mean, come ON! I only got in 4 work outs this week and only two of those were over 30 minutes. It's depressing. So, in other words, it's been a bad week compared to the week before. I think I'll only be down a pound since last Sunday with the ups and downs this week. Still, just because I stumble on a step doesn't mean that I have to throw myself down the rest of the flight of stairs, right? (I got that from another blog but I can't remember which one so if it was yours don't hate me, okay?).

I'm going to weigh in tomorrow and then stick that stupid scale back in the garage for another week. I kept it in the house this week and weighed myself at least twice a day. Dumb dumb mommy!

I'm not giving up.
I'm losing it!
Em

Wow, is this really happening?

2008-12-04T21:09:00.002-07:00

I keep losing! I'm down 21 lbs. That is since Oct. 28th. Whenever I feel that panicky feeling, "I need to eat, anything, everything, NOW!" I remember to pray. It works!Every. Time. Always!

The other day I was driving home from the grocery store (always trying with four kids and surrounded by food) and I kept thinking, "AHHHH! I'm going to lose it and pig out the second I get home! I WANT to pig out." Then I remembered, "Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and ye shall find rest in me." I prayed for help. "Please help me. This is so hard. This. Is. SO. HARD! Please, please make my burden light." I got home and we unloaded the car and one thing led to another and the next thing I know it was bed time and I had forgotten all about the craving. Until I learned to pray for help I never would have had a success like that. I would have kept thinking about it and thinking about it but God distracts me, re-routes me and makes my burden light. It's amazing!

This is my own personal miracle.
I'm losing it!
Em

Yesterday's weigh in and some small successes.

2008-12-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

I'm down 3 more lbs. That is 18.5 total lost so far. I was hopeful for a little more than that but every little bit helps and, hey, I actually lost weight over Thanksgiving. The way I see it is that if I can be successful through the holidays then I can do this anytime.

It's been interesting to see the ways that my brain is changing and the way God is helping me. Here are a couple of examples.

My brain changing-I question everything I'm eating. Yesterday I was dishing up my toddlers food for dinner and a bit of food fell onto the table. My immediate reaction was to pick it up and pop it into my mouth but instead I recognized that I don't need to be a human vacuum cleaner so I put it back on his plate and that was that. It wasn't about the calories or anything like that but just realizing what I am putting into my body and why. I am shocked to realize how much I ate without being consious of it at all.

God's help-There have been a couple of times when I've been very closr to putting junk into my body and something random has happened to interrupt me, usually something with my kids. In that moment a thought comes to me that I can use that interruption as an escape from that bad choice. These thoughts seem to come from outside myself and I recognize it as a blessing. In that small moment of interruption I am able to bring myself back from the edge of bad choices and return to my focus.

These sound like small and insignificant things but "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." I believe that with all my heart.

I'm losing it!
Em

Last weeks weigh in

2008-11-29T08:34:00.003-07:00

I'm only weighing in on Sundays. I have to keep my scale in the garage out of easy access because I tend to obsessivly weigh myself multiple times a day otherwise (another "fat" behavior). Last Sunday I weighed in at 296.5. That's 15.5 down. Hooray! I've set a goal to lose 7.5 lbs between this week and next to get me below 290. It's scary for me to set a goal like that because I'm so afraid of failure but I'm trying to focus on faith, not fear. This week is especially hard with the holiday but I did pretty well on Thanksgiving. I ate about the same amount through the day as I normally would have in one sitting. On previous Thanksgivings I've eaten until I was in pain and feeling very ill then as soon as that feeling faded the slightest I'd eat again. It's amazing how much food I can put away. This year I had some of everything and just ate slowly, focusing on the taste of the food and the conversation with my family and I was able to leave a little on my plate when I was done. I had some pie and enjoyed it without guilt and had leftovers later for dinner but, again, watched the portions. I didn't feel deprived or anything. I still feel like I could have done better but I'm proud of myself.

There were a couple of times when I got that frantic "pig out" feeling but I removed myself from the situation by going away from the food and talking to my sister or my brother. I took a walk.

Yesterday, with all these leftovers in my fridge, I had the same problem. PIG OUT! No, calm down, take a moment, say a prayer. Okay, whew I can control myself now. I'm sure it sounds funny to someone who doesn't understand and binge eating is such a comedy staple that it's people just think I'm joking but it's serious business to me.

Yesterday I came very close to grabbing a pie and a fork and going to town. After all, it's just one day, right? But this journey is made of lots of just-one-days. These individual moments are what will make this journey successful. So when I get that powerful craving that I just don't think I can handle I pray hard! Then I get out of the kitchen and do something else. It's my policy to NEVER eat in the heat of a craving. If I decide later, when I'm calm and in control of myself and can make a logical decision then I can have a small treat but never in the heat of the moment.

It's working!
I'm losing it!
Em

This is IT!

2008-11-29T08:07:00.000-07:00

Back in Sept. I went to the Dr. for strep throat and in the course of general procedure had the lovely experience of getting weighed. I had stopped weighing myself because it was too depressing and when I saw that hideous number on the Dr.'s scale - 312 - I about died. I knew I had to do something. I'd known it for years but I had reached the point of hopelessness. I figured that the only way I would ever be able to change my lifestyle and actually lose weight permanently would be with bariatric surgery and I didn't have the money to do it. I just gave up and I'm sure you can figure out what "give up" means to a food addict.

I don't know how much more I gained over the next month but at the beginning of October I tried to do the Slimfast diet. I knew it was extreme so I thought maybe I could do it just for a week to kind of jumpstart myself into something better. I couldn't get myself excited or willing to think about nutrition so I thought maybe something that was already planned out would help. I lost some weight that week but I couldn't stick with it. I was right back to eating whatever I saw. I buried that feeling of failure and tried to not think about it.

On October 28th I was at playgroup with my very good friends and for some reason all of my feelings of failure and fear just burst out of me. I hadn't really been thinking about it that day, at least consiously, but next thing I knew I was talking about how painful it is physically and emotionally to be this big. My friends that were there are all overweight at least a little bit and they are such amazing women that I guess I felt safe enough to talk about things I've never said out loud before. I talked about the physical pain I experience on a daily basis, about my fear of height and my claustrophobia that was getting worse daily. I talked about my feelings of hopelessness and how I just didn't believe that there was anyway that I could ever change. I cried a lot. Out of nowhere I blurted out that I wanted to do the 12 step program that my church has. It's adapted from the 12 steps of AA with a focus on the Savior being our help through all things and it's writted in a way that you can use it for any kind of addiction. The minute that I mentioned it I felt like I had to at least try it. I can't say I felt hopeful yet but I decided to try it. I invited another friend of mine to join me and she agreed. We both picked up a copy of the workbook and started in.

Yesterday was the 1 month mark. I've really felt a major change in my life! As I've been able to accept that I do live with an addiction (shocking I know, but I really didn't realize that) and that I need to treat it as such, since I've been able to accept that I CAN'T do this on my own, that I need Jesus Christ to heal this in me, I've felt hope. I've been able to make some changes in my life that I couldn't bring myself to do through "willpower" and I've started seeing some success. I've realized that losing weight has always been my goal but that I've never been able to deal with my issues with food so I was sabotaging myself and setting myself up for failure from the beginning.

Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and bite by bite I am fighting this losing battle. I'm facing my emotions instead of eating them and I'm seeing myself as a valuable person. I'm WORTH the work. I pray daily and constantly for help. When I'm faced with temptation that I don't know if I can withstand I can pray for help and I receive it. God has been so merciful to me and is helping me.

This is HARD. I can't begin to express how hard. I've been a compulsive eater since I was a small child and I've been overweight for at least 22 years. The thoughts of really being able to change sometimes seem so outlandish that I have a hard time wrapping my head around it but I keep shoving all negative thoughts away and keep praying for help and daily I'm doing it. Some days are better than others but my general choices keep getting better.

This blog will be a place for me to share my journey in the hopes that somewhere out there is another person who has felt as hopeless as I have and needs hope. Maybe as I make this journey I can bring just one more person along with me. If I can do that it will bring more joy than I can express because I know the pain and heartache and I want to help someone else feel the hope, too.

I'm losing it!
Em